When Death Feels Like the Door: Spiritual Tending and Suicide

There are times in many lives when continuing feels unbearable. When suffering is relentless, and death seems like the only door left open. And some survive a loved one’s suicide—carrying grief, anger, confusion, and a longing for meaning. Suicide touches us all, and spiritual care providers must be willing to enter these conversations with clarity, compassion, and courage.
This post honors the complex truths of suicide, speaks plainly about the responsibilities and limits of spiritual tending, and offers guidance for companions who want to respond with both ethics and care. This post is especially for spiritual companions , chaplains, and care givers—those who sit with others in spiritual crisis, but I hope friends and family will find some resources here as well.

Things to consider

1. Sovereignty and the Right to One’s Life

Your life belongs to you. For those facing terminal illness, chronic pain, or relentless suffering, having options at the end of life is part of dignity. Attempts to override a person’s autonomy—especially through coercive mental health interventions—can cause deep harm. Spiritual companions must resist the urge to “fix” or “rescue,” and instead bring presence, honesty, and respect.

2. Death Is Not a Cure

And still: depression, despair, disability, isolation—these are not failures or moral flaws. They are human experiences. And they often change. Most problems do get better. Even if nothing improves externally, the meaning-making process can shift our orientation toward life. Spiritual direction can help seekers rediscover a reason to live, not through persuasion, but through presence and sacred attention.

3. Systemic Realities and Legal Responsibilities

Spiritual directors and companions are not exempt from the laws of their region. In some states or contexts, we are mandated reporters. In others, we are not. Regardless, we have ethical obligations to be transparent about what we will do if someone discloses suicidal intent.

This should always be covered during intake:

Whether you are a mandated reporter
What sorts of disclosures require you to take action
What kind of action you may take if someone shares they are planning to die
What steps you will take before involving authorities or others
How you will involve the person in decision-making
How consent and confidentiality are navigated in this work

4. Asking the Hard Questions Is a Kindness

Too often, companions avoid asking directly. But avoidance communicates fear or shame. Consent-based spiritual companionship allows for honest, nonjudgmental checking-in:

Are you thinking about ending your life?
Do you have a plan?
Are you open to making a care plan together?
Can we involve your emergency contact in this conversation?

These questions are invitations, not interrogations. Asked with consent, they affirm a person’s worth and open up room for safety and choice. Sometimes, just being able to speak the truth with someone who is not reactive is all the gift someone needs.

5. Supporting Survivors of Suicide

Those who have lost someone to suicide carry a unique grief. They need space to speak the unspeakable, to rage, to wonder, to find their own story again. Spiritual direction can offer a rare space where there is no pressure to resolve or sanitize the loss.

6. Training and Preparation

Taking a Mental Health First Aid course or an Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training (ASIST) can give you essential tools. All humans, but especially those in caring professions do need enough grounding to respond wisely and compassionately when someone is in crisis.

Nothing about us without us!

When looking for resources on mental health care, especially regarding suicide, make sure that the training includes and centers the voices of those who have been suicidal.

Mandated Reporting and the Potential for Harm

Spiritual companions sometimes hold deep fears when someone expresses suicidal ideation. In many places, laws around “mandated reporting” add another layer of complexity. But legal responsibility is not the same as ethical or relational care—and jumping straight to emergency response can do more harm than good.

Involuntary interventions, especially police-led “wellness checks” or psychiatric holds, can be terrifying, disempowering, and even dangerous—particularly for marginalized people. Black, Brown, disabled, queer, and trans individuals are often at greater risk of violence or trauma when law enforcement is involved. Even when intentions are good, calling 911 may escalate rather than de-escalate a crisis.

Many who have survived suicidal moments speak of the harm they experienced from forced interventions: being treated as criminals, handcuffed instead of comforted, or retraumatized rather than supported. Often, what they most needed was someone to listen without fear, without trying to control them.

As spiritual companions, we must:

Be up-front during intake about whether we are mandated reporters and what that means in our context.
Clearly communicate what kinds of disclosures might trigger a report, and what steps we would take before involving any outside authority.
Prioritize consent and collaboration whenever possible.
Examine our own impulse to “fix” or manage another’s pain. Are we acting from love—or from fear, control, or our own discomfort?

If you’re unsure whether to involve outside help, pause. Talk with the person directly. Ask what support would feel safe to them. Seek supervision or consult colleagues before escalating a situation. And make space for continuing education rooted in the lived experiences of suicidal people—especially those from oppressed communities. One excellent resource is the Wildflower Alliance, which offers trainings grounded in peer support and alternatives to coercive systems.

Some Possible Options

People often ask: If we don’t call the police, what can we do?

There’s no single answer—but many people who have lived through suicidal crises have shared what did help, and what made things worse. Their wisdom invites us to expand our imaginations beyond emergency response toward more human, connected care.

Some ideas to consider:

Give people time. If someone doesn’t reply right away, it doesn’t mean they’re in danger. Many of us sleep, unplug, or feel overwhelmed. Wait before assuming the worst. Of course, if you know someone is in active danger, trust your instincts—but often, giving space honors their autonomy and avoids unnecessary escalation
Distinguish levels of risk. Suicidal ideation is not the same as imminent intent or action. Ask consent-based, clear questions: Do they have a plan? Are they in immediate danger? Are they open to co-creating a care plan?
Activate mutual care networks. A friend nearby might be able to check in gently and in person. Someone trusted—who knows the person and their context—can often help more than a stranger in uniform.
Discern medical needs. If someone clearly needs medical help, an ambulance may be appropriate. But this is different from a police-led “welfare check,” which often lacks trauma-informed or mental health training.
Build support in advance. Encourage people to create a care web: a few folks who agree to be contacted if something feels off. This shifts the paradigm from crisis response to community resilience.
Offer joy and connection. Sometimes, the smallest gestures bring the most comfort: a silly meme, a voice message, a gift card, a shared memory, a child's drawing, or just your steady presence. These may not solve everything—but they remind someone they are not alone.

Whatever the options are, it can be helpful to have a list of referrals and ideas at hand. Reach for this list during a conversation, rather than trying to create it in the moment. Be prepared with alternatives to the "911" option!

At the heart of it all: people want to feel seen, not surveilled; supported, not controlled. In our spiritual accompaniment, we can center consent, creativity, and compassion—walking alongside someone even when we cannot take away their pain.

Try It: Consent-Based Crisis Conversations

Next time you’re in conversation or a check-in that touches on despair, try this:

Begin with clear consent: “May I ask you a few direct questions about how you’re doing, even if the answers might be hard?”
Use direct language with care: “Are you thinking about taking your own life?”
Offer collaborative choices: “What would support look like right now?” “Can we make a plan together that helps you stay connected and safe?”
Respect their pace: “Would you like to involve someone else you trust in this conversation?”

Beloved, you are whole, holy, and worthy,

Rev. Amy

For Further Exploration

• Wildflower Alliance – Offers non-coercive, peer-led mental health resources and trainings that center lived experience and community care. https://wildfloweralliance.org

• Hecht, Jennifer Michael. Stay: A History of Suicide and the Philosophies Against It – A poetic and philosophical reflection on suicide and why we might choose to remain. https://www.amazon.com/Stay-History-Suicide-Philosophies-Against/dp/0300186088

• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) – Offers education, support, and crisis resources for people experiencing mental illness and those who love them. https://www.nami.org

• Shneidman, Edwin S. The Suicidal Mind – Explores the inner experience of those considering suicide with clarity and compassion. https://www.amazon.com/Suicidal-Mind-Edwin-S-Shneidman/dp/0195118010
• Mental Health First Aid USA – Training programs for laypeople to recognize and respond to mental health crises. https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org
• Lines, Lauren. “On Grief, Love, and Suicide” – A raw and poetic exploration of surviving a sibling’s suicide. https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/mag/on-grief-love-and-suicide
• Center for Loss and Life Transition – Offers resources for grief support, especially in traumatic loss. https://www.centerforloss.com

#MentalHealthAwareness #SuicidePrevention #SpiritualCare #FaithAndMentalHealth #TraumaInformedCare #ConsentBasedSupport #YouAreNotAlone #HoldSpace #GriefSupport #SpiritualDirection

This Heart of Spiritual Direction series is ©2025 Amy Beltaine, all rights reserved. You may freely reprint any blog post, website, or print resource. Simply include the following attribution, and if you print online, make the link at the end live:

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Tuesday, May 06, 2025

Traveling with Despair: Consent, Compassion, and Care in Suicidal Crisis