Cults and High-Control Groups: Supporting Spiritual Seekers in Finding Their Authentic Path
Leaving a high-control group is not just about finding the exit—it’s about reclaiming your own mind, your choices, and your sense of self. Whether someone is questioning a religious sect, a conspiracy movement, or a manipulative community, the journey out is rarely simple. Fear, grief, and uncertainty often mix with relief and newfound freedom. As spiritual companions, we are not here to force an awakening or dismantle someone’s beliefs. Instead, we journey with those seeking truth, offering deep listening, steady presence, and the assurance that they are not alone. Here, we explore how to witness, support, and empower those who are finding their way back to themselves.
Understanding High-Control Groups
For those offering spiritual companionship, understanding high-control groups requires more than recognizing harmful behaviors—it demands an awareness of how people become enmeshed in such systems and what it takes to leave them. Different scholars and researchers offer valuable perspectives that can help us witness seekers with greater insight and care.
Steven Hassan’s BITE Model describes how high-control groups shape members' lives by manipulating Behavior, Information, Thought, and Emotions. These groups regulate daily activities, restrict access to outside perspectives, reshape thought patterns, and use guilt or fear to enforce compliance. Many who leave such groups struggle to reclaim autonomy because their decision-making processes were deeply controlled. For a spiritual companion, this means recognizing that their struggle is not simply about belief—it is about re-learning how to trust their own perceptions and choices.
Janja Lalich expands on this with her Bounded Choice Model, which explains why members of high-demand groups often seem unable to see alternatives. Rather than making free choices, they exist within a framework shaped by charismatic leadership, an absolute belief system, rigid control mechanisms, and reinforcing social structures. This model helps us understand why seekers may continue defending harmful systems even when faced with evidence of abuse. Instead of challenging them directly, companions can invite reflection by gently exploring where their sense of agency feels constrained and where they might rediscover personal freedom.
Language itself plays a powerful role in shaping belief, as Amanda Montell’s research in Cultish: The Language of Fanaticism highlights. High-control groups create insular worlds through specialized terminology that fosters identity, belonging, and loyalty while making it difficult for members to think outside the group’s framework. When accompanying someone leaving such a group, paying attention to the words they use can be revealing. Do they still describe their past experiences in the group’s language? Do those words carry shame or obligation? Helping them redefine their own spiritual vocabulary can be a profound step toward healing.
Yet, even when someone recognizes harm, simply presenting them with facts is rarely enough to shift their perspective. George Lakoff’s research on cognitive framing reminds us that people don’t adopt new beliefs just because they are given better information; they need new narratives that help them make sense of their experiences. For spiritual companions, this means offering alternative frameworks rather than simply dismantling old ones. Instead of telling someone their former community was a cult, we might ask, “How did that group shape your understanding of belonging? What parts of that still feel true to you?” By helping seekers name their own evolving truths, we empower them to reclaim their story on their own terms.
Each of these perspectives deepens our understanding of high-control groups—not just as oppressive systems, but as places where people seek meaning, purpose, and connection. As spiritual companions, our role is not to pull people out by force but to journey with them as they untangle their own journeys, always affirming their agency, their wholeness, and their capacity for transformation.
Conspiracy Movements and High-Control Dynamics
Witnessing Those Who Are Leaving
When someone begins questioning a high-control group—whether a religious sect, a multi-level marketing scheme, or a toxic workplace—leaving isn’t as simple as saying no. The psychological, emotional, and social ties run deep, and those leaving often face fear, shame, and the loss of community. As companions, we can support people through this transition with understanding, patience, and respect for their agency.
1. Affirm Their Reality
High-control groups distort reality, making members doubt their perceptions. A simple “That sounds really hard” or “Your feelings make sense” can help someone regain trust in their own experience. For some, even considering a new perspective triggers deep anxiety or fear. Gentle presence, patience, and grounding practices can help. (See also this post about trauma-informed spiritual companioning.) Leaving can feel like losing a family. Even when people recognize harm, they may grieve the sense of purpose or belonging they once had.
2. Avoid Direct Confrontation
People don’t leave when they’re forced into a debate. Instead of attacking the group, ask gentle, open-ended questions:
“How did you first get involved?”
“What drew you to this community?”
“Are there things that no longer feel right to you?”
These questions encourage reflection without triggering defensiveness.
3. Understand the Power of Language
Words carry weight. Many leaving high-control groups still think in the group’s terminology. Rather than dismissing those terms, help them explore their meaning:
“What does that phrase mean to you now?”
“Does that belief still feel true for you?”
Let them reframe their experiences on their own terms.
4. Provide Alternative Frameworks
Lakoff’s research reminds us that dismantling an old belief system isn’t enough—people need new ways to think about their experiences. People often need time to sit with their questions before accepting new perspectives. Offering possibilities rather than conclusions allows them to process in their own way.
“Some people see that as manipulation instead of faith—what do you think?”
“There are other ways to find belonging and purpose. Would you like to explore them?”
5. Respect Their Autonomy
Leaving is a process, not an event. Some people need time to process before cutting ties. Others may never fully leave. Even partial disengagement can be meaningful and spiritual companions can support people wherever they are in their journey. Our role isn’t to push them but to offer steady, nonjudgmental support. Some may feel lost without the certainty their former group provided. Others may fear exploring new spiritual paths. Simply listening and affirming their questions can help them reclaim agency in their own spiritual journey.
Witnessing Those Who Are Joining or In a Hate Group
Our role is not to judge. People join these groups for many reasons—seeking purpose, belonging, or certainty. Supporting individuals involved in hate groups presents unique challenges for spiritual companions. The following approaches may assist in guiding such individuals toward transformation:
1. Emphasize Personal Connection and Empathy
Building a trusting relationship is foundational. Teresa Blythe, a spiritual director, discusses the importance of guiding individuals consumed by hate toward a spirituality rooted in love. She highlights that those harboring hatred seldom seek spiritual direction on their own, underscoring the need for proactive engagement.
2. Understand the Psychological Underpinnings
Recognizing the psychological aspects of hate group involvement is crucial. Hate groups often provide members with a sense of identity, belonging, and purpose. Unraveling these elements takes time and care.
3. Seek Support from Specialized Organizations
Collaborating with organizations experienced in countering hate and extremism can be invaluable. The Southern Poverty Law Center offers resources for those looking to exit extremist movements, which can support spiritual directors in their efforts.
Examples
Angela King and Christian Picciolini both work for the nonprofit organization “Life After Hate.” After spending two decades involved in white supremacist organizations, Angela King underwent a profound change. Christian Picciolini was deeply entrenched in the neo-Nazi movement for eight years. A pivotal moment of empathy led him to question his beliefs, ultimately leading him to co-found Life After Hate, where he assists others in disengaging from extremist ideologies.
The Journey Forward
Boundaries for Spiritual Companions: Working with individuals leaving high-control groups or hate movements can be emotionally demanding. Care for yourself, both through spiritual practice, and participating in supervision.
Communal Healing & Support Networks: When people leave these groups, they often need to build new communities. You don’t have to be (and should not be) their only support. Ask about their “squad” or support network. Gently support them in finding healthier spaces of belonging.
Unlike deprogrammers or activists, spiritual companions are not there to debate or “rescue” someone but to create space for transformation. Our role is to support and honor agency. Leaving a high-control group is disorienting. Former members may grieve lost relationships, struggle with identity, or fear retaliation. A compassionate companion offers a steady presence, reminding them they are not alone, that they have the capacity to think for themselves, and that a rich, meaningful life awaits them beyond the group’s control.
Beloved, you are whole, holy, and worthy.
—Rev. Amy
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Further Reading
Books
Amanda Montell, Cultish: The Language of Fanaticism – Explores how cults use language to manipulate and control. https://www.amandamontell.com/cultish
Steven Hassan, Combating Cult Mind Control – Describes the BITE Model, which explains how groups manipulate members through Behavior, Information, Thought, and Emotional control, regulating daily life, limiting access to outside perspectives, reshaping thought patterns, and using guilt or fear to keep people compliant. https://freedomofmind.com/bite-model
Janja Lalich, Bounded Choice: True Believers and Charismatic Cults – Introduces the Bounded Choice Model, explaining how members’ choices become constrained within the group’s framework under the influence of charismatic leadership, an absolute belief system, control mechanisms, and reinforcing social structures.
George Lakoff, Don’t Think of an Elephant! – Explores how people don’t simply adopt new perspectives because they’re presented with facts; they need new narratives and frameworks to make sense of their experiences.
Michael Barkun, A Culture of Conspiracy: Apocalyptic Visions in Contemporary America – Examines how conspiracy beliefs shape identity and worldview. https://www.ucpress.edu/book/9780520276826/a-culture-of-conspiracy
Kathryn Olmsted, Real Enemies: Conspiracy Theories and American Democracy – Explores the psychological and social factors behind conspiracy movements. https://global.oup.com/academic/product/real-enemies-9780190908560
Articles, Talks, and Other Resources
Daryl Davis on Engaging KKK Members – Documentary and TED Talk on how dialogue can shift extremist beliefs.
- Accidental Courtesy: Daryl Davis, Race & America: https://www.pbs.org/independentlens/documentaries/accidental-courtesy
- TED Talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/daryl_davis_why_i_as_a_black_man_attend_kkk_rallies
Monica Roberts – Building Understanding Through Trans Advocacy
- TransGriot Blog: https://transgriot.blogspot.com/
- Wikipedia Entry on Monica Roberts: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monica_Roberts
Raquel Willis – Changing Minds Through Personal Engagement
- Official Instagram (for writings and advocacy updates): https://www.instagram.com/raquel_willis/
- RaquelWillis’s Work at Ms. Magazine: https://msmagazine.com/author/raquelwillis
Signs You Might Be in a Corporate Cult – https://blogs.lse.ac.uk/businessreview/2024/06/05/five-signs-you-might-be-in-a-corporate-cult/
