Spiritual Tending for Mortals: Attending to Death, Dying, and Loss

Attending to Death, Dying, and Loss

How we meet death shapes how we live. Death is a certainty of human life, yet many cultures treat it as unspeakable. Those facing their mortality often find themselves isolated, and those grieving may be pressured to move on too quickly. As spiritual companions, we are called to hold space for the realities of death, dying, and loss and support seekers in finding meaning within their spiritual traditions.

This post offers a practical framework for accompanying people through three key experiences: grappling with mortality, preparing for death, and navigating bereavement. Ritual, tradition, and compassionate presence can help people move through these profound transitions.

Photo courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons, Photo User HORIZON

Grappling with Mortality

Some seekers arrive in spiritual companionship when they begin to face their mortality—through aging, illness, or an awareness of life’s fragility. These conversations can bring deep existential questions:

What is my life’s meaning? What happens after I die? How do I prepare?

Try These Ways to Support Seekers

• Inviting open, spiritually grounded conversation: Many have never spoken openly about death. Acknowledging fears, hopes, and uncertainties can be profoundly freeing. Whether they frame mortality through reincarnation, heaven, ancestral connection, or mystery, companions can help seekers explore their beliefs with depth and clarity.
• Encouraging life review: Reflecting on one’s journey, values, and relationships can bring peace. Practices like storytelling, letter-writing, or compiling a spiritual autobiography can be meaningful. This can lead to the question posed by the poet Mary Oliver: “What do you wish to do with your one precious life?”

Many seekers will also ask, “Where is the Divine in this?” ...especially as they encounter suffering, fear, or grief. This is a question to hold with great care. A companion does not need to provide an answer but can gently explore this longing, inviting the seeker’s own wisdom and experience to emerge.

Preparing for Death: Accompanying Those Nearing the End

Spiritual companionship brings sacred presence. The focus shifts from seeking answers to finding comfort, closure, and connection. Often, the companion’s role also extends to those close to the dying person—offering guidance and support to loved ones.

Ways to Accompany Someone Nearing Death

• Attuning to their needs: Some may wish to reflect on their lives; others may simply want quiet companionship. Compassionate presence is key.
• Engaging in ritual: Ritual can provide grounding and peace. This may include reciting prayers, offering blessings, or drawing from the seeker’s tradition—such as a Wiccan passing ritual, Christian last rites, or Tibetan Buddhist death meditations.
• Supporting goodbyes:  Helping a person express final words to loved ones or engage in symbolic acts (like passing on meaningful objects) can bring resolution.

Ring Theory by Susan Silk, Illustration by Wes Bausmith/LA Times

Bereavement: Anticipatory Loss and Coping with Grief

Grief often begins before a loved one has died, and it does not follow a predictable course. Companions can support people from anticipatory grief through the long journey of loss.

Key Ways to Accompany the Bereaved:

• Breaking the taboo of grief: Many feel pressure to “move on” or grieve a certain way. Companions affirm that grief is not a problem to be solved but a process to be honored. Consider attending a Death Café or facilitating similar discussions in your community.
• Holding space for mourning rituals: Sitting Shiva, ancestor altars, lighting candles, and writing letters to the deceased are just a few ways different traditions support the grieving. Exploring or creating personalized rituals can help seekers find solace.
• Encouraging self-compassion: Grief is unpredictable; waves of sorrow, moments of peace, and unexpected emotions are all natural. Companions can affirm that whatever arises is part of the process.

Complicated Grief: Sudden Death, Child Loss, and Other Deep Wounds

Some losses carry a unique weight: losing a child, experiencing a sudden or violent death, or enduring a miscarriage or stillbirth. These kinds of grief can be especially complex, bringing profound sorrow, anger, guilt, or shock.

In Rochester, NY, nurses created a gentle ritual for families grieving infant loss, offering time, touch, and keepsakes to honor the child’s life.

When offering such rituals, consent is essential. Not every grieving person will want to engage in these practices, and no one should be pressured. The role of a spiritual companion is to offer, not impose—to listen deeply and respond with care to the needs of the seeker.

Additionally, some seekers may come to you because they themselves are struggling with wanting to die, or because they love someone who is suicidal or who has chosen to die. These are tender and difficult realities that require deep presence and often professional collaboration. I address them more fully in another post [https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2025/05/traveling-with-despair-consent.html].

Addressing Misunderstandings

There’s no “right” way to grieve. People often feel pressured to grieve quickly or loudly or in a particular way. Companions affirm that every grief journey is unique, and there is no timeline for healing.

“The Stages of Grief are not Stages”, art by Beth Erlander

Self-Care for Spiritual Companions

Companioning others through death and grief is sacred work, but it can also be emotionally taxing. To sustain this work, have your own companion, seek supervision, honor your limits. Consent works both ways. If a conversation is too emotionally heavy, it’s okay to pause or refer the seeker to additional support.

Final Thoughts

Spiritual companions play a vital role in making space for death, dying, and grief by breaking silence, offering ritual, attending to the presence of the sacred, and honoring each person’s unique journey. By showing up with care and presence, we help seekers navigate one of life’s greatest transitions with dignity and meaning. Attending to death is an act of deep love for life itself.

You are whole, holy, and worthy.

Rev. Amy

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Further Reading & Resources

• Death Café – A global movement normalizing conversations about death.
• The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller – A deep dive into grief and ritual.
• The Five Invitations by Frank Ostaseski – Lessons from a Buddhist hospice pioneer.
• It’s OK That You’re Not OK by Megan Devine – A compassionate guide for grievers.
• National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization – Hospice resources and end-of-life planning.

How have you witnessed or participated in meaningful end-of-life rituals? I invite you to share reflections in the comments.

This Heart of Spiritual Direction series is ©2025 Amy Beltaine, all rights reserved. You may freely reprint any blog post, website, or print resource. Simply include the following attribution, and if you print online, make the link at the end live:

Article ©2025 Amy Beltaine, all rights reserved. Reprinted with permission. This article and hundreds of others, along with other free resources are available at http://www.AmyBeltaine.info

The Third Chair: Sacred Presence in Spiritual Companionship

In spiritual direction, many companions speak of a “third chair” in the room, the unseen presence of the Sacred. This metaphor reminds us that sessions involve more than two human beings. Whether we name it as Spirit, God, the Divine, Mystery, Source, or Meaning, the “third chair” symbolizes the sacred current we invite into the space.

But what if there are more than three chairs? What if each person’s relationship with the Sacred, or their refusal of that language, deserves a seat of its own?

Students in the Spiritual Direction Certification program, where I teach, have explored this beautifully: some speak of a companion’s divine and an explorer’s divine, already making four chairs. Others remind us that energy may flow not as a seated figure at all, but as a field encompassing both seeker and companion. And animists, atheists, and polytheists offer yet more expansive imagery. The point is not to settle on one image, but to recognize that spiritual companionship is never a conversation of just two.

Three Heart-shaped chairs, by LuxXeon CC3.0

Naming Our Own Theology

One student put it plainly: before guiding others, we benefit from knowing our own theology. Grappling with “what we believe” lowers anxiety, gives us a steady foundation, and clarifies our fit with particular seekers. Our theology does not need to inform theirs, but knowing it helps us listen with integrity and humility.

Whose Sacred Is in the Room?

Sometimes the Sacred presence is experienced as shared, a single third chair for both companion and explorer. Other times, each brings their own relationship with Spirit or Source, making four chairs (or more). A polytheist might picture a gathering of deities; an atheist may see “what is meaningful” taking a seat; an animist may envision trees, stones, and ancestors joining.

An agnostic companion might hold space for 'the unknown mystery'; a Buddhist practitioner may sense interdependence itself as sacred presence; those from Indigenous traditions might acknowledge the land, ancestors, and spirits of place.

The metaphor stretches, but its heart remains: the sacred presence(s) invited into session deserve attention.

Mini Zen Garden, Photo by ROMAN ODINTSOV

Beyond the Chair

Not everyone relates to “chairs.” Some sense Spirit more as energy swirling about the room, as warmth, nudges, or sudden insights. A medical intuitive describes “synchronizing” with sacred energy, so the field encompasses all who are present. This echoes Thomas Merton’s reminder: “We discover an older unity … we are already one.”

For some, a physical object helps, a ceramic chair on the altar, a stone or candle beside the desk, a symbol of the divine on a companion’s computer table. For others, silence itself becomes the container where Spirit is noticed.

Promptings and Discernment

Spiritual companions sometimes experience what feels like “channeling” the Sacred: a phrase, question, or insight arises with a quality different from ordinary conversation. The tone may feel spacious, grounded, or infused with love. Other impulses, our opinions, reactivity, need to fix, or even friendly chatter, have a different texture.

Here, the third chair (or its equivalents) can serve as a tuning device. The presence of a candle, stone, or empty chair reminds us to pause and notice: what is the source of this nudge? Does it feel like a sacred prompting, or something else? Learning to sense the difference is part of the art of spiritual companionship.

Crow in Chair by Louise LeGresley CC2.0

Try It

• Place a symbolic “third chair” in your space (a chair, a candle, a stone). Before each session, acknowledge the Sacred presence it represents.

• If you don’t resonate with the chair metaphor, try sensing the energy field around you and your seeker. How might Spirit be present there?

• If physical objects don't work for you, try setting an intention, creating a mental space, or using sound/music to acknowledge sacred presence.

• After a session, reflect: When did you feel you were speaking from Sacred prompting? When were you offering personal opinion, reactivity, or friendly conversation? How could you tell?

Beloved, you are whole, holy, and worthy,
Rev. Amy
Companioning soul-weary change-makers becoming rooted, aligned, and alive again.

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For Further Reading

• The Heart of Spiritual Direction – Introduces the foundations of spiritual direction, highlighting presence, sacred listening, and the call to honor seekers as whole and holy.
https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2025/02/the-heart-of-spiritual-direction.html

• Ethical Spiritual Tending: A Foundation of Trust and Integrity – Explores how sacred listening, ethical guidelines, and mutual agreements support trust and autonomy.
https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2025/02/ethical-spiritual-tending-foundation-of.html

• Decolonizing Spiritual Direction: Honoring Lineage, Resisting Appropriation – Examines how spiritual direction can resist colonial patterns and cultural appropriation, encouraging companions to honor source traditions and uplift marginalized voices.
https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2025/03/decolonizing-spiritual-direction.html

• Three Chairs Spiritual Direction – Introduces the original “third chair” concept.
http://www.threechairsspiritualdirection.com/why-three-chairs.html

• SDI: The Importance of Taking Off Your Hat – A reflection on humility, presence, and the sacred in companionship.
https://www.sdicompanions.org/the-importance-of-taking-off-your-hat-while-offering-spiritual-companionship/

What Bessel van der Kolk Got Wrong: A Spiritual Companion’s Reflection on Trauma

The Score We Keep

Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score has become a sacred text in trauma discourse. It’s cited in therapy rooms, yoga studios, and spiritual circles alike. And yet, as spiritual companions, we must ask: what score are we keeping, and whose story does it serve?

This post is not a dismissal of van der Kolk’s contributions, but a curious unearthing of what lies beneath the surface: what he missed, what he himself has moved beyond, and how we, as spiritual companions, can hold trauma in ways that honor the soul’s journey toward wholeness. 

I want to add a different term for "trauma". The term 'spiritual imbalance' has been used in some indigenous cultures to refer to the experience van der Kolk terms 'trauma'. I find it interesting to use that phrase as a way to expand how I think, and to remove the overused (and let's face it) buzzword: trauma. When we speak of spiritual imbalance, we shift from a clinical framework that often focuses on damage and pathology to one that suggests the possibility of restoration and realignment. This language invites us to consider not just what has been broken, but what sacred equilibrium might be recovered. It acknowledges that our deepest wounds often occur at the level of spirit and meaning, disrupting our connection to ourselves, our communities, and our sense of place in the larger web of existence. The word 'imbalance' itself suggests that what has been thrown off-kilter can, with proper tending, be brought back into harmony.

I know there are other ways to talk about the ways life experiences continue to echo and affect us long afterward. I encourage you to find other phrases and descriptions as a way to expand how we live with, how we heal, and how we thrive.

Each reframing also honors the wisdom of cultures that understand healing as a restoration of spiritual wholeness rather than simply the absence of symptoms.

Neuroscience of PTSD. ScienceWorks Behavioural Healthcare. Kiesa Kelly

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie: A Reconsideration of Unearthing

Van der Kolk’s model assumes that trauma must be excavated, faced, and reprocessed. This is the foundation of many trauma therapies: exposure, EMDR, somatic experiencing. But what if healing doesn’t always require digging?

Some practitioners and scholars argue that focusing on health, resilience, and present-moment safety can be just as, if not more, effective than revisiting pain:

• Existential and Philosophical Perspectives
  Trauma theorist B. T. Reuther suggests that over-focusing on trauma can hinder a full understanding of human experience. Instead, integrating spiritual imbalance into a broader existential framework allows for healing through meaning-making and embodiment.

• Pluralistic Counseling Psychology
  Catherine Athanasiadou-Lewis critiques the dominance of trauma-focused cognitive behavioral models. She advocates for eclectic and psychodynamic approaches that honor the complexity of the psyche and allow for healing without direct confrontation.

• Ethical Concerns
  Anne Rothe’s critique of postmodern trauma theory warns against turning "trauma" into a sacred object that must be unearthed and venerated. She calls this “irresponsible nonsense,” arguing that such models can confuse victimhood, retraumatize listeners, and obscure ethical clarity.

Archeological Dig. Designed by Wannapik

The Spiritual Lens: Spiritual Imbalance as Sacred Threshold

In spiritual companionship, spiritual imbalance is not pathology. What can it be if we apply a spiritual or wholeness lens?

• Wholeness Over Wounding
  Van der Kolk’s model often implies that spiritual imbalance leaves us permanently broken. But spiritual traditions teach that wounds are portals. As Jalalaldin  Mohammed Rumi says, “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” We must move from scorekeeping to soul-tending.

• Embodiment Without Fixation
  While van der Kolk emphasizes body-based therapies, he sometimes treats the body as a battleground. In contrast, spiritual practice invites us to inhabit the body as a temple. We are not attempting to fix something broken. We show up to listen. Breathwork, dreamwork, and movement are not cures; they are conversations.

• Relational Holding
  Trauma healing is not a solo endeavor. Companions hold space. We do not diagnose. We witness. We do not ask, “What happened to you?” but “What is seeking to be born through this pain?”

DBT for Trauma. ScienceWorks Behavioral Healthcare. Kiesa Kelly

For the Companion: How We Hold What Hurts

As spiritual companions, we are called to:

• Resist reduction: Avoid reducing spiritual imbalance to neurobiology or symptomology. Honor its mystery, its mythic dimension.
• Center the margins: Hold stories that dominant narratives erase. Listen for the voices beneath the score.
• Practice presence: Healing is not accomplished through pure technique. It requires presence. It is the sacred act of sitting beside someone in their becoming.

Beyond the Score

Van der Kolk gave us language for trauma. But language is not the whole story. The soul speaks in symbols, silence, and sacred rupture. As companions, we travel with questions, not answers. We travel with awe.

The body may keep the score, but the spirit keeps the song.

Beloved, you are whole, holy and worthy,

Rev. Amy
Companioning soul-weary change-makers becoming rooted, aligned and alive again.

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For Further Exploration

• van der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score – A foundational text in trauma discourse, exploring how trauma reshapes the body and brain.

  Scheeringa, Michael. The Body Does Not Keep the Score – A critical review of van der Kolk’s claims, challenging the scientific basis of trauma narratives.

  Rothe, Anne. “Irresponsible Nonsense: An Epistemological and Ethical Critique of Postmodern Trauma Theory” – A sharp critique of trauma theory’s cultural elevation and ethical implications.

  AlAmmar, Layla. “This Book is Trash” – A literary trauma scholar’s blunt critique of van der Kolk’s erasure of systemic and marginalized trauma.

  Reuther, B. T. “Philosophical and Existential Perspectives on Trauma” – Offers a broader framework for understanding trauma through meaning-making and embodiment.

  Athanasiadou-Lewis, Catherine. “A Critical Evaluation of the Conceptual Model and Empirical Evidence for PTSD Treatments” – Advocates for pluralistic approaches beyond trauma-focused CBT.

See Also on This Blog

• Body Grief - Clarifies the difference between trauma and body-related losses. Discusses spiritual companioning with explorers who have grief related to their bodies. 
  https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2026/03/body-grief-when-body-itself-is-loss.html 

• Trauma Integration in Spiritual Tending – Offers grounded approaches to accompanying seekers who carry trauma, with attention to scope of practice, spiritual safety, body-based practices, and the sacredness of the healing journey.

• Bearing Witness to Moral Injury – Explores how spiritual companions can support those wrestling with ethical pain and inner conflict.

• Introduction to Trauma-Informed Spiritual Tending – Outlines key principles of trauma-aware companioning and how they support safety, agency, and healing.

• Supporting Souls in Shadows: Spiritual Direction and Depression – Offers insights for accompanying seekers through times of grief, depression, and spiritual dryness.

• Traveling with Despair: Consent, Companionship & the Sacred – Explores how spiritual companions can meet seekers in despair with consent-based care, avoiding rescue impulses. Draws on mysticism, trauma wisdom, and the sacredness of shadowed journeys.

This Heart of Sacred Tending series is ©2025 Amy Beltaine, all rights reserved. You may freely reprint any blog post, website, or print resource. Simply include the following attribution, and if you print online, make the link at the end live:

Article ©2025 Amy Beltaine, all rights reserved. Reprinted with permission. This article and hundreds of others, along with other free resources, are available at www.AmyBeltaine.info

Stages of Faith: Tides and Spirals

Stages of Faith: Invitations, Not Instructions

What if the way we make meaning shifts and flows—like tides rather than steps?
The idea of stages of faith can be helpful, not because it tells us where we “should” be, but because it shows us the diverse ways humans experience and explore meaning. These frameworks offer gentle maps—not rating systems—for understanding how we and others might be engaging with spirituality at a given moment.

Rather than labeling anyone or measuring spiritual “progress,” these models invite curiosity. They help us, as spiritual companions, offer invitations and questions that resonate with the way someone is currently making meaning.

Gentle Models, Not Judgment

The idea of stages of faith can be used like a bludgeon or used to denigrate types of meaning-makeing. Some models are deeply infused in the 'white savior' or modernist world views. As with any model, seek out more than one to shake up your assumptions, and stay open to real, lived, experience.

A stage of faith isn’t a rank. It’s not about being more advanced or enlightened. It’s just one lens for understanding how a person—sometimes a child, sometimes an elder—makes meaning, seeks connection, and responds to the sacred.

We move in and out of stages. Life challenges, spiritual experiences, trauma, and growth can all shift how we relate to our beliefs and practices. Even within one day, we may dip into different modes of spiritual meaning-making.

Understanding common patterns can help us travel beside others more gently.

Sandpiper beach, Waldport Oregon Photo by Hawthorne Post

Key Models of Stages of Faith

Fowler’s Stages of Faith

James Fowler’s classic work maps six stages of faith development, from early intuitive experiences through reflective and universalizing faith. His work, based in Piaget’s cognitive development theory, comes from a particular time and culture, but still offers a foundational framework.
📘 Summary: https://deep-psychology.com/stages-of-faith-james-fowler/

Ken Wilber’s Integral Stages

Wilber’s “holonic” model emphasizes how each stage includes and transcends the one before. He charts stages from egocentric awareness to deep transpersonal insight. His work can be especially helpful in understanding post-rational and pluralistic spiritualities. For me, his work opened my mind to the idea of stages as a spiral instead of stair-steps. 
🌀 Summary: https://www.institute4learning.com/2020/02/05/the-stages-of-life-according-to-ken-wilber/
🔍 More detail (in Ken Wilber's words): https://web.archive.org/web/20230606092815/https://www.kosmosjournal.org/article/integral-spirituality-2/
🌱 Reflection blog: abeltaine.blogspot.com/2017/09/thats-primitive-sorting.html

Other Models of Spiritual Growth

There are other helpful models, some drawing from world religions, psychology, and personal development.

• Kirstie Pursey’s Seven Stages offer accessible language around awakening and integration:
  learning-mind.com/spiritual-growth-stages

• Roger Gabriel’s Seven Stages (Chopra Center) blend Eastern and Western spiritual frameworks:
  https://www.consciousevolution.tv/spiritual-evolutionary-training/the-7-stages-of-spiritual-development-the-chopra-center.php

• (As a Counter-Example) M. Scott Peck’s model as summarized by Inas Younis:
  patheos.com/blogs/altmuslim/2018/03/five-stages-of-spiritual-growth

• Unitarian Universalist metaphor-based models offer poetic imagery for unfolding spiritual lives:
  uua.org/tapestry/youth/wholeness/workshop2
  Google Doc UU metaphor model

Why It Matters for Companionship

When we sit with seekers, these models can help us tune into what kind of meaning-making might be most resonant. For example:

• Someone in a mythic-literal stage may find comfort in ritual or traditional stories.

• A reflective explorer might need space to question inherited beliefs.

• A transcendent stage seeker might speak in metaphor or paradox.

We don’t need to diagnose a stage. But we can listen for how someone makes meaning and offer tools, stories, or silence accordingly.

Quinto do Regleira, Sintra, Portugal Photo by Hawthorne Post

Trauma and Shifting Stages

People healing from trauma may revisit earlier stages, question previous certainties, or struggle with the concept of “faith” altogether. That’s not regression—it’s sacred work.

Stages of faith models shouldn’t be weaponized. Instead, they can offer us gentle language for being present with explorers exactly where they are, helping them uncover which metaphors, stories, or questions feel life-giving now.

'Initiation Well' at Quinto do Regleira, Sintra, Portugal Photo by Hawthorne Post

Try It: A Reflective Practice

Choose one of the stage models above. As you read:

• Ask yourself: What resonates? What doesn’t?

• Where do you perceive yourself right now?

• What invitations might be helpful to someone who makes meaning differently than you?

Remember, these aren’t “levels.” They’re languages. Try to attend to what each stage is trying to say about the sacred.

Beloved, you are whole, holy & worthy,

Rev. Amy

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For Further Exploration

• Fowler, James. Stages of Faith – A foundational model of faith development, exploring shifts from childhood belief to universalizing faith.
https://web.archive.org/web/20240528184134/http://www.psychologycharts.com/james-fowler-stages-of-faith.html

• Dillard, Joseph (summary). Understanding Wilber’s Developmental Stages – A helpful overview of Ken Wilber’s framework and its implications for spiritual practice.
https://web.archive.org/web/20250315101928/https://www.integraldeeplistening.com/understanding-wilbers-developmental-stages/

• Pursey, Kirstie. The Seven Stages of Spiritual Growth – Clear and simple stage descriptions grounded in self-discovery.
https://www.learning-mind.com/spiritual-growth-stages/

• Gabriel, Roger. The Seven Stages of Spiritual Development – Describes an inward journey of unfolding wisdom through multiple traditions.
https://web.archive.org/web/20240808024230/https://chopra.com/blogs/personal-growth/the-7-stages-of-spiritual-development

• Beltaine, Amy. That's Primitive Sorting – A personal reflection on how the Wilber model supports multi-tradition spiritual growth.
http://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2017/09/thats-primitive-sorting.html

• UUA Tapestry: Stages of Faith Development – Introduces a poetic, metaphor-based framework used in Unitarian Universalist formation.
https://www.uua.org/re/tapestry/youth/wholeness/workshop2/167602.shtml

When Spaciousness Feels Like Abandonment: On Being Directive Enough

A Sacred Container of Kindness with Structure

Power exists in every relationship. In spiritual companionship, it’s essential to acknowledge that power — not to misuse or ignore it, but to hold it with intention and care. Pretending the relationship is fully equal can actually create harm, especially when the explorer is vulnerable or unsure of the process. 

Ethical companionship means naming and carrying the responsibility that comes with holding space. We don’t dominate or dictate — but we also don’t disappear. The seeker is not looking for control, but for a steady presence: someone who can offer a sacred container where openness is paired with structure, and freedom is framed with kindness.

The relationship between a helper or spiritual caregiver and the person being companioned isn’t a democracy. In fact, trying to give away the power and responsibility that comes with the companion’s role can lead to the explorer feeling abandoned. Often, what the seeker truly needs is hospitality with structure — a compassionate vessel to hold their journey.

I often see a kind of over-correction — in couples, in spiritual companioning, and in well-intentioned attempts to be kind. Someone wants to be generous, open, and non-controlling… but ends up avoiding responsibility altogether.

We don’t want to dominate or control, so we don’t offer structure at all. We say things like:

• “I don't know, whatever is fine.”
• “What would you like to talk about today?”
• “Well, it’s really up to you.”

And those phrases sound kind. But in many moments, they leave the other person feeling… a bit lost. Or even abandoned.

This has me reflecting deeply on what spiritual companionship and leadership require. Sometimes, in our desire to avoid control or hierarchy, we swing so far toward “letting it unfold” that we leave people untethered. Spaciousness becomes vagueness. Non-directiveness becomes abandonment disguised as kindness.

While the explorer (or seeker) might say they want openness, there are moments when they’re actually asking:

“Can you help hold me while I find my way?”

“Whatever You Want, Dear”: Over-Accommodating in Relationships

You’ve probably seen this dynamic: one person in a couple tries to be accommodating by never naming a preference. They say things like, “Whatever you want, dear,” or “I’m fine with anything.” And while that might seem polite, it can become maddening.
Because sometimes, what the other person really wants is partnership. Co-creation. Someone else to carry the load of decision-making. The unspoken question underneath may be:

“Can you help hold this moment with me?”

That kind of passivity — even when well-meaning — shifts all the responsibility onto the other person. And over time, it erodes connection.

Spiritual Companioning with New Explorers: Structure is Care

In a first or early spiritual direction session, the explorer may have no idea what this work can be. Maybe they signed up because they’re seeking, or someone recommended it, or it just felt right.

As a companion, if I open with “So what would you like to talk about today?” — I might be offering freedom. But I might also be offering fog.
If someone is unsure what spiritual companioning is, one of the kindest things we can do is to name the possibilities and offer a gentle framework:

“Some people bring a recent experience or feeling they want to explore more deeply. Others start with a dream, a decision, or even just a longing they can’t quite name. Would any of those feel supportive to you today?”

That’s not directive in the sense of control. It’s inviting with structure. It’s a form of hospitality.

When the Companion Has a Suggestion: Leadership with Consent

There are also moments when I, as a companion, feel an inner nudge to offer something — a question, a practice, an image from a tradition, a shift in focus.
This isn’t “telling the seeker what to do.” It’s offering a possible path with spaciousness and care. The difference is in tone and consent:

“I have something arising I’d like to offer — a possible thread we could explore together. Would you like to hear it?”

Even in mutual models like Anam Cara, where roles alternate and shared presence is central, spiritual direction isn’t a democracy.

 It’s a sacred container, one held with intention and awareness. And containers — to be safe — need shape.

Timbisha Shoshone food/presentation bowl CC0

Particular Focus: When Non-Directiveness Isn’t Loving

In spiritual direction, we’re often trained to hold silence, to wait, to mirror back. That’s beautiful, and often exactly what’s needed.
But not always.

Sometimes, a question like “What would feel supportive to you right now?” isn’t as kind as simply offering:

“Would it be helpful if I named a few ways people navigate this?”

When someone is floundering, we can discern whether they need a mirror to reflect their own knowing — or a lifeline to steady them until they find their footing.

That’s not directive in the controlling sense. It’s offering structure with consent — meeting the seeker’s need with care, not control.

That structure is often what allows them to re-center, rather than drift away.

Try It: Reflect on These Questions

1. Have you ever hesitated to offer guidance for fear of being too directive? What happened?
2. What helps you know when a seeker wants choice versus when they need structure?
3. In group settings, how do you hold shared leadership while still offering direction and care?

Leading with consent and hospitality doesn’t mean abdicating your role. True presence includes noticing when structure is needed and offering it without control. That’s part of the sacred trust we carry — not to steer someone’s journey, but to help hold the vessel as they navigate it. When we honor the power that comes with this role and offer it with transparency, kindness, and humility, we create a space where seekers can rest, risk, and return to their own deep knowing.

Beloved, you are whole, holy, and worthy,

Rev. Amy

The Sacred Fire of Anger

Making Friends with Anger

A reflection for spiritual companions and seekers alike

There is a kind of fire that burns clean.

Too often we are taught to fear anger. To suppress it, silence it, spiritualize it away. We are told that “good” people are calm, measured, forgiving, never furious. Especially those of us socialized to be caretakers—women, queer folks, BIPOC, disabled folks—we are often expected to bear injustice quietly, or at most with polite critique.

But righteous rage is sacred. It is holy energy. It says: this is not okay. It fuels resistance. It fuels change. And it can also fuel care.

Fiery outline of the word LOVE, CC0

When my mom was dying of cancer, I found myself filled with an anger that surprised me. Anger at the disease, at what it was stealing, at the helplessness of it all. But that fire lit something in me. It gave me the energy to speak brave, vulnerable words to her—words I might not have dared if I’d only stayed in grief or numbness. 

Anger gave me the energy to show up for an abused elder, advocating for his safety and doing what needed to be done to remove him from the dangerous situation. That anger didn’t turn violent. It created boundaries. It was fierce love.

Anger doesn’t have to mean harm. In fact, when we repress it, that’s when it turns inwards—into shame, illness, bitterness. But when expressed wisely—at the right time, in the right way—it can open doors to healing and justice.

Woman holding torch with blue background, CC0

Sometimes I curse to myself—mutter sharp words, swear under my breath, or speak with a kind of fire that helps move the energy through me and out. It’s not always pretty, but it’s honest. These words are often born of a need to stay grounded, to give form to my anger so it doesn’t fester unspoken. Anger, after all, is movement—it wants expression, wants release. In those moments, I don’t fear the heat of my words. I let them rise, trusting that even rage can be sacred when it flows rather than festers.

And sometimes I joke that I want to cast a curse. But not a curse meant to cause misfortune or harm. No, the curses I imagine are acts of transformation. A spell like: “May you be filled with compassion.” Or: “May you feel how your words land on someone’s spirit.” Or: “May the next person you try to insult surprise you with their dignity.” These are the kinds of spells I want to send into the world—fierce and clear, rooted in care. They arise from a place where anger meets love, where the commitment to change burns just as hot as the outrage itself.

As spiritual companions, we often sit with those whose anger is tangled up in grief, trauma, or injustice. Our role is not to calm them down. Our role is to hold space for their fire, and help them discern how to use it. Anger might be the very thing that empowers someone to set a boundary, or to leave a toxic system, or to speak truth after a lifetime of silence.

Welcoming fire in stone fireplace, CC0

In a world that is constantly offering reasons to feel powerless—racism, transphobia, climate crisis, war—it is anger that can move us from despair to action. It is anger that interrupts complacency. And it is anger, strangely, that sometimes helps us love better. Because we care that much. Not the kind of love that is about being nice, or even kind, but fierce love—the kind that tells the truth, that shows up, that protects the most vulnerable. The kind of love that makes change.

May we give ourselves, and those we walk with, permission to feel angry.

May we learn to channel that energy into courageous compassion.

And may we honor the sacred fire—not to destroy, but to illuminate the path toward justice and wholeness.

Beloved, you are whole, holy, and worthy,

Rev. Amy

Cults and High-Control Groups: Supporting Spiritual Seekers in Finding Their Authentic Path

Cults and High-Control Groups: Supporting Spiritual Seekers in Finding Their Authentic Path

Leaving a high-control group is not just about finding the exit—it’s about reclaiming your own mind, your choices, and your sense of self. Whether someone is questioning a religious sect, a conspiracy movement, or a manipulative community, the journey out is rarely simple. Fear, grief, and uncertainty often mix with relief and newfound freedom. As spiritual companions, we are not here to force an awakening or dismantle someone’s beliefs. Instead, we journey with those seeking truth, offering deep listening, steady presence, and the assurance that they are not alone. Here, we explore how to witness, support, and empower those who are finding their way back to themselves.

Understanding High-Control Groups

For those offering spiritual companionship, understanding high-control groups requires more than recognizing harmful behaviors—it demands an awareness of how people become enmeshed in such systems and what it takes to leave them. Different scholars and researchers offer valuable perspectives that can help us witness seekers with greater insight and care.

Steven Hassan’s BITE Model describes how high-control groups shape members' lives by manipulating Behavior, Information, Thought, and Emotions. These groups regulate daily activities, restrict access to outside perspectives, reshape thought patterns, and use guilt or fear to enforce compliance. Many who leave such groups struggle to reclaim autonomy because their decision-making processes were deeply controlled. For a spiritual companion, this means recognizing that their struggle is not simply about belief—it is about re-learning how to trust their own perceptions and choices.

Janja Lalich expands on this with her Bounded Choice Model, which explains why members of high-demand groups often seem unable to see alternatives. Rather than making free choices, they exist within a framework shaped by charismatic leadership, an absolute belief system, rigid control mechanisms, and reinforcing social structures. This model helps us understand why seekers may continue defending harmful systems even when faced with evidence of abuse. Instead of challenging them directly, companions can invite reflection by gently exploring where their sense of agency feels constrained and where they might rediscover personal freedom.

Language itself plays a powerful role in shaping belief, as Amanda Montell’s research in Cultish: The Language of Fanaticism highlights. High-control groups create insular worlds through specialized terminology that fosters identity, belonging, and loyalty while making it difficult for members to think outside the group’s framework. When accompanying someone leaving such a group, paying attention to the words they use can be revealing. Do they still describe their past experiences in the group’s language? Do those words carry shame or obligation? Helping them redefine their own spiritual vocabulary can be a profound step toward healing.

Yet, even when someone recognizes harm, simply presenting them with facts is rarely enough to shift their perspective. George Lakoff’s research on cognitive framing reminds us that people don’t adopt new beliefs just because they are given better information; they need new narratives that help them make sense of their experiences. For spiritual companions, this means offering alternative frameworks rather than simply dismantling old ones. Instead of telling someone their former community was a cult, we might ask, “How did that group shape your understanding of belonging? What parts of that still feel true to you?” By helping seekers name their own evolving truths, we empower them to reclaim their story on their own terms.

Each of these perspectives deepens our understanding of high-control groups—not just as oppressive systems, but as places where people seek meaning, purpose, and connection. As spiritual companions, our role is not to pull people out by force but to journey with them as they untangle their own journeys, always affirming their agency, their wholeness, and their capacity for transformation.

Conspiracy Movements and High-Control Dynamics

Conspiracy theory groups share many characteristics with high-control groups. They often create insular belief systems reinforced by fear, secrecy, and distrust of outsiders. Scholars like Michael Barkun describe how these movements foster “stigmatized knowledge”—claims that feel more credible precisely because mainstream sources reject them. Like cults, conspiracy movements offer belonging and certainty, making it difficult for members to question the narrative. Spiritual companions can support those disengaging from these groups by offering nonjudgmental presence and encouraging reflective questions: “What first drew you to this perspective?” or “How do you feel when you encounter conflicting information?” Creating space for curiosity, rather than debate, allows seekers to reengage their critical thinking and personal agency.

Monet, Lilies, altered by me

Witnessing Those Who Are Leaving

When someone begins questioning a high-control group—whether a religious sect, a multi-level marketing scheme, or a toxic workplace—leaving isn’t as simple as saying no. The psychological, emotional, and social ties run deep, and those leaving often face fear, shame, and the loss of community. As companions, we can support people through this transition with understanding, patience, and respect for their agency.

1. Affirm Their Reality

High-control groups distort reality, making members doubt their perceptions. A simple “That sounds really hard” or “Your feelings make sense” can help someone regain trust in their own experience. For some, even considering a new perspective triggers deep anxiety or fear. Gentle presence, patience, and grounding practices can help. (See also this post about trauma-informed spiritual companioning.) Leaving can feel like losing a family. Even when people recognize harm, they may grieve the sense of purpose or belonging they once had.

2. Avoid Direct Confrontation

People don’t leave when they’re forced into a debate. Instead of attacking the group, ask gentle, open-ended questions:

• “How did you first get involved?”

• “What drew you to this community?”

• “Are there things that no longer feel right to you?”

These questions encourage reflection without triggering defensiveness.

3. Understand the Power of Language

Words carry weight. Many leaving high-control groups still think in the group’s terminology. Rather than dismissing those terms, help them explore their meaning:

• “What does that phrase mean to you now?”

• “Does that belief still feel true for you?”

Let them reframe their experiences on their own terms.

4. Provide Alternative Frameworks

Lakoff’s research reminds us that dismantling an old belief system isn’t enough—people need new ways to think about their experiences. People often need time to sit with their questions before accepting new perspectives. Offering possibilities rather than conclusions allows them to process in their own way.

• “Some people see that as manipulation instead of faith—what do you think?”

• “There are other ways to find belonging and purpose. Would you like to explore them?”

5. Respect Their Autonomy

Leaving is a process, not an event. Some people need time to process before cutting ties. Others may never fully leave. Even partial disengagement can be meaningful and spiritual companions can support people wherever they are in their journey. Our role isn’t to push them but to offer steady, nonjudgmental support. Some may feel lost without the certainty their former group provided. Others may fear exploring new spiritual paths. Simply listening and affirming their questions can help them reclaim agency in their own spiritual journey.

Witnessing Those Who Are Joining or In a Hate Group

Our role is not to judge. People join these groups for many reasons—seeking purpose, belonging, or certainty. Supporting individuals involved in hate groups presents unique challenges for spiritual companions. The following approaches may assist in guiding such individuals toward transformation:

1. Emphasize Personal Connection and Empathy

Building a trusting relationship is foundational. Teresa Blythe, a spiritual director, discusses the importance of guiding individuals consumed by hate toward a spirituality rooted in love. She highlights that those harboring hatred seldom seek spiritual direction on their own, underscoring the need for proactive engagement.

2. Understand the Psychological Underpinnings

Recognizing the psychological aspects of hate group involvement is crucial. Hate groups often provide members with a sense of identity, belonging, and purpose. Unraveling these elements takes time and care.

3. Seek Support from Specialized Organizations

Collaborating with organizations experienced in countering hate and extremism can be invaluable. The Southern Poverty Law Center offers resources for those looking to exit extremist movements, which can support spiritual directors in their efforts.

Examples

Angela King and Christian Picciolini both work for the nonprofit organization “Life After Hate.”  After spending two decades involved in white supremacist organizations, Angela King underwent a profound change. Christian Picciolini was deeply entrenched in the neo-Nazi movement for eight years. A pivotal moment of empathy led him to question his beliefs, ultimately leading him to co-found Life After Hate, where he assists others in disengaging from extremist ideologies. 

The Journey Forward

Boundaries for Spiritual Companions: Working with individuals leaving high-control groups or hate movements can be emotionally demanding. Care for yourself, both through spiritual practice, and participating in supervision.

Communal Healing & Support Networks: When people leave these groups, they often need to build new communities. You don’t have to be (and should not be) their only support. Ask about their “squad” or support network. Gently support them in finding healthier spaces of belonging.

Unlike deprogrammers or activists, spiritual companions are not there to debate or “rescue” someone but to create space for transformation. Our role is to support and honor agency. Leaving a high-control group is disorienting. Former members may grieve lost relationships, struggle with identity, or fear retaliation. A compassionate companion offers a steady presence, reminding them they are not alone, that they have the capacity to think for themselves, and that a rich, meaningful life awaits them beyond the group’s control.

Beloved, you are whole, holy, and worthy.

—Rev. Amy

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Further Reading

Books

• Amanda Montell, Cultish: The Language of Fanaticism – Explores how cults use language to manipulate and control. https://www.amandamontell.com/cultish
• Steven Hassan, Combating Cult Mind Control – Describes the BITE Model, which explains how groups manipulate members through Behavior, Information, Thought, and Emotional control, regulating daily life, limiting access to outside perspectives, reshaping thought patterns, and using guilt or fear to keep people compliant. https://freedomofmind.com/bite-model
• Janja Lalich, Bounded Choice: True Believers and Charismatic Cults – Introduces the Bounded Choice Model, explaining how members’ choices become constrained within the group’s framework under the influence of charismatic leadership, an absolute belief system, control mechanisms, and reinforcing social structures.
• George Lakoff, Don’t Think of an Elephant! – Explores how people don’t simply adopt new perspectives because they’re presented with facts; they need new narratives and frameworks to make sense of their experiences.
• Michael Barkun, A Culture of Conspiracy: Apocalyptic Visions in Contemporary America – Examines how conspiracy beliefs shape identity and worldview. https://www.ucpress.edu/book/9780520276826/a-culture-of-conspiracy
• Kathryn Olmsted, Real Enemies: Conspiracy Theories and American Democracy – Explores the psychological and social factors behind conspiracy movements. https://global.oup.com/academic/product/real-enemies-9780190908560

Articles, Talks, and Other Resources

Daryl Davis on Engaging KKK Members – Documentary and TED Talk on how dialogue can shift extremist beliefs.

• Accidental Courtesy: Daryl Davis, Race & America: https://www.pbs.org/independentlens/documentaries/accidental-courtesy
• TED Talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/daryl_davis_why_i_as_a_black_man_attend_kkk_rallies

Monica Roberts – Building Understanding Through Trans Advocacy

• TransGriot Blog: https://transgriot.blogspot.com/
• Wikipedia Entry on Monica Roberts: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monica_Roberts

Raquel Willis – Changing Minds Through Personal Engagement

• Official Instagram (for writings and advocacy updates): https://www.instagram.com/raquel_willis/
• RaquelWillis’s Work at Ms. Magazine: https://msmagazine.com/author/raquelwillis

Signs You Might Be in a Corporate Cult – https://blogs.lse.ac.uk/businessreview/2024/06/05/five-signs-you-might-be-in-a-corporate-cult/

Conspirituality: Blog series on modern cults, especially those with the veneer of new age or wellness spirituality. https://www.conspirituality.net/  

This Heart of Sacred Tending series is ©2025 Amy Beltaine, all rights reserved. You may freely reprint any blog post, website, or print resource. Simply include the following attribution, and if you print online, make the link at the end live:

Article ©2025 Amy Beltaine, all rights reserved. Reprinted with permission. This article and hundreds of others, along with other free resources are available at http://www.AmyBeltaine.info