The Reading Before the Reading: Tarot, Presence & the Holy Cup

Drinking the Tea: Card Reading for Spiritual Companioning

In spiritual direction and card-based discernment alike, there's a profound shift when we stop treating the tools, Tarot, oracle, images, even the question itself, as the point, and begin to see them as companions. We move from “reading the leaves” to drinking the tea together.

This movement is not about interpretive authority or even structured layouts, though those have their place. This is about presence. The real magic often happens before the reading begins or without a formal reading at all. The act of sitting together, sipping metaphorical (or literal) tea, is as sacred as the moment of revelation. Maybe more.

In my own Tarot practice, and this extends to any form of contemplative card work, I find that a single card, drawn with attention and held in shared reflection, can be as rich and complete as an entire spread. There’s power in asking: Where do you feel this in your body? What word stands out? Which image unsettles or comforts you? A one-card pull becomes an invitation into lived wisdom, expanding insight.

Seekers often arrive hoping for answers. But what unfolds is a mirror of wisdom they already carry, just waiting for permission to be perceived.

The card helps hold the space, but it is the sipping, far more than the scrying, that builds trust and transformation.

It’s less about divining the future than about making room for the present. Less about providing solutions, and more about lighting gentle fires of self-knowing. What we offer is never a prescription: it’s a hot chocolate for the soul.

Sometimes, the reading happens before the reading. Sometimes, the ritual, the breath, the shuffle, the image, the shared pause, is what reveals the wisdom that’s already waiting. Tarot, like all sacred tools, is not the thing itself, it’s a companion The cards become image-bearing, question-holding, moment-making partner on the spiritual journey.

This post explores three movements that I’ve found especially helpful in using Tarot or oracle cards as part of spiritual direction. I've moved away from divination or prediction, and toward soul witnessing and presence. Each movement is optional. But each, if entered with care, has the power to shift the whole shape of the conversation.

Movement 1: Choosing a Card to Represent Yourself

Rather than starting with a card, layout, or interpretation, sometimes the most powerful opening is simply: Who do you feel like right now?

If using Tarot, invite the seeker to reflect on what is most alive within them at the moment. How would they describe themselves in terms of what is present for them right now? Perhaps they arrived at this moment with a burning question. Perhaps they have a gentle curiosity about their true self or path. Or perhaps they are grappling with meaning or connection.

Who Am I in this Moment?

To begin, invite the seeker into discernment about who they are in this moment. This is a contemplative act that can be deeply illuminating, sometimes even more so than the reading itself.

Before laying out a single card, we can pause and ask: who am I, right now? What archetype reflects my current soul-place? Am I beginning something, nurturing something, letting something go? Which element is stirring in me, water’s emotion, fire’s longing, earth’s groundedness, or air’s clarity? These questions guide us to choose a card that represents our current self, as a truth-telling

Steps and Insights

Ask if they’d like to choose a card to represent themselves (rather than drawing one at random). This gives them agency and insight.

1. For example, you might focus on the court cards (Page, Knight, Queen, King) of the traditional Tarot deck. In this case, invite reflection on:

• What stage of life they feel they are in

Ask them to choose one that feels like it represents who they are in this moment. If using other cards, adjust the below model to fit those cards.

This isn’t about hierarchy or medieval identities. It’s about spiritual season and elemental resonance.

• Are they feeling tender, just beginning something, exploring (Page)?

• Are they in motion, carrying fire or change, pursuing a mission (Knight)?

• Are they sustaining something, consolidating or expanding an already established domain, working with sovereignty, or deepening a skilled role (King)?

• Are they witnessing, reflecting, integrating, aging or saging (Queen)?

2. Which element resonates for them in the moment: Earth (body/practicality), Air (mind/ideas), Water (emotion/connection), or Fire (spirit/inspiration)?

• Do they feel most connected to the clarity of Air, the warmth of Fire, the depth of Water, or the steadiness of Earth? If working with other types of cards, you might be looking at associations from other cultures or traditions. Earth/Air/Fire/Water is not the only system of suits/elements!

You might offer some descriptions of the suits and roles, but often, simply placing the cards in front of them and asking Which one feels like you? opens a profound moment of self-reflection.

The chosen card becomes a spiritual name tag, a gesture of self-recognition. The chosen card becomes an archetypal mirror, inviting the seeker to honor who they are and what energies are most present for them in the moment.

And from there, the reading, if one happens, has already begun.

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Movement 2: Settling in and Meditative Shuffling

“Would it be all right if I just shuffled for a bit?”
Her voice trembled slightly, but her hands were steady on the cards.
“Yes,” I said, “you don’t have to draw anything unless you want to.”
She breathed. Sat back. Shuffled. It became rhythm as the sounds of cards tapped on the table, the shirring of paper slipping past paper, and then snapping into place, repeated. Ten minutes passed.
She never did draw. But something opened.

Shuffling as Prayer

Sometimes, we never draw a card.

The act of shuffling can be its own practice. I’ve watched seekers sink into the rhythm, not ready to pull and grateful for the silence. The shuffle becomes a centering bell, a way to move from anxious mind into contemplative body.

Settling into the practice can be as rich and revealing as the reading itself. The shuffle is more than just preparation, it is prayer, meditation, and alignment.

When we are on Zoom and I'm the one shuffling the cards, I accompany the shuffling with an invitation for them to enter into meditation. When you are in person and your seeker is open to shuffling you might offer an invitation like:

“Take as long as feels good with the shufflin.? Being with the cards in this way is an important part of the practice."

Encourage the seeker to let their hands move while their heart settles. This is an opportunity for them to feel into the sensations present in their body, the movements in their heart, mind, and soul. You can encourage them to notice shifts and emergences as they dwell with the question or topic.

Steps and Insights

During the time of shuffling you can offer quiet prompts:

• What are you noticing in your body right now?

• Is there a word or image you’re holding as you shuffle?

• What are you hoping the cards might help reflect or hold?

I often say: The reading begins with becoming present to what is.

• Invite them to breathe, feel into their body, and name (silently or aloud) what is true for them in the moment.

• Encourage visualization: what unseen forces are helping bring these cards into alignment with their truth?

• Trust that the process of sinking into presence is already a form of spiritual direction.

In the act of shuffling, breathing, and asking what is true for us right now, something aligns. The cards become almost secondary, their magic is in the way they give form to the insight we’ve already begun to claim.

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Movement 3: Choosing a Layout

Card work becomes spiritual accompaniment through presence, consent, and shared reflection.

Offering different layouts helps the seeker clarify the scope of their question or the sense of their questing. 

Once you've settled into your self-knowing and drawn (or chosen) a card to reflect who you are, the next question is: what do you need help seeing? This is where the layout comes in, a structure to help you frame your curiosity, receive insight, or open to mystery.

Choice and Honing

Layouts are not maps showing us answers, instead they're invitations into deeper presence. Always, we begin with choice, offering the seeker options. Let the structure serve the question, not the other way around.

Steps and Insights

• Check in: Might a single card suffice today? Is the "Yes/No" layout resonating? Or the "Know Thyself" layout? Or perhaps a modified Celtic cross? Or perhaps no layout?

• Offer Options: Sometimes, a seeker is drawn to a complexly structured layout, like the Tree of Life. It offers a series of placements, splendor, strength, understanding, mercy, each one a prompt, a doorway.

• Get Creative: Would they like to pull a card today from one place that resonates, say, “wisdom” or “foundation”?

• Allow for Spaciousness: Perhaps for the Tree of Life layout it would serve to draw one card per session, letting each sphere speak across a season of spiritual direction?

• Let go: Or is today a day for simplicity, a single card, no layout, just presence?

Whichever layout is chosen, remember, it’s not necessary to “do the full spread.” In fact, this part of the discernment is asking the seeker what they need. 

Offering these options becomes part of the companioning itself. It honors agency and asks for consent. Practicing consent in the logistics of the reading, engenders a practice of consent in the soul-level work of being met and seen.

The deeper shift, always, is from seeking answers to seeking presence. And from presence, comes offering.

In this kind of practice, the cards do not offer a verdict or a prescription. They offer a mirror. A gentle reflection. A story waiting to be explored together. As companions, we are not “reading” for someone. As companions we are making room for what their soul already knows, and may be ready to say aloud. As always, the companion is discerning when and how much observation to offer. We avoid interpretation and offer comfort or invitation. We do not force the experience toward a goal of clarity, but offer company. We offer tissues, snacks, and meaning and connection for the soul, something warm and companionable to let the hidden truths come forward and sit at the table with us.

That’s the tea. Literally and metaphorically.

It’s not just about the cards, or the layout, or the leaves at the bottom of the cup. It’s about what happens when we sit together. When we sip and wonder and listen without fixing.

We don’t just read the tea leaves.

We drink the tea.

Try It: A Mini Practice

Next time you sit with someone (or with yourself) and a deck of cards, try this simplified flow. It contains the three movements, a reading, and a reminder:

1. Who Are You Today?
   Choose a card that feels like it reflects who you are right now. No need to explain. Just name it.

2. Settle & Shuffle.
   Spend 3–5 minutes in quiet. Let your hands shuffle. Feel into the sensations in your body, the movements in your heart, mind, and soul. Notice shifts and emergences as you dwell with the question or topic.

3. Choose Your Framework (or Layout)
   Sense what kind of structure might support you: a layout with multiple cards, a single card in response to a question, or simply silence.

4. Lay Down One (or more) card(s)
   If and when it feels right, draw a single card. Sit with it. Let the card lead you to a word, a memory, a gesture, a story. If you chose a layout, pull a second card and after spending time with that card, spend some time letting the cards talk to each other, and interact with the placement they are in. Repeat to fill the frame and then back up to take in the whole picture.

5. Sip, Don’t Rush.
   Treat this like a conversation with a wise friend, not a quiz with a right answer.

Coda: One Card, One Cup

You don’t need a ten-card Celtic Cross to be a deep companion to someone’s unfolding story. You need presence. A good question. Maybe an image. And a mug.

Whether you're drawing from Tarot, oracle decks, art cards, or simply from your own deep listening, this work is about mirroring someone into remembering themselves.

Sometimes you’ll draw a card.

Sometimes you’ll hold space.

Sometimes you’ll say, “Here. Have some tea.”

And every now and then, you’ll watch someone’s soul peek out, blinking, ready to speak.

Beloved, you are whole, holy and worthy,

Rev. Amy

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For Further Exploration

• Greer, Mary K. Tarot for Your Self - A classic in the world of introspective Tarot work. Encourages personal insight and spiritual growth rather than prediction.
https://www.tarotpassages.com/marykgreer.htm

• Arrien, Angeles. The Tarot Handbook - Integrates cross-cultural archetypes, psychology, and spiritual development with the Tarot.
https://www.angelesarrien.com/tarot.html

• Pollack, Rachel. Seventy-Eight Degrees of Wisdom - One of the deepest dives into the layers of Tarot meaning and spiritual reflection.
https://rachelpollack.com/tarot-books/ 

• Beltaine, Amy. Ethical Tarot Practice: An Evolving Perspective - Explores how tarot can support spiritual direction without slipping into prediction, projection, or appropriation. Offers practical tips and grounded reflection for ethical engagement.
https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2025/01/the-ethics-of-using-tarot-cards.html

• Matthews, Caitlín. Untold Tarot: The Lost Art of Reading Ancient Tarots - Offers insight into historical approaches to tarot as conversation and presence, not just divination. Grounded in Marseille decks and soulful inquiry.
https://caitlin-matthews.blogspot.com/2018/04/the-untold-tarot.html

• Beltaine, Amy. Ethical Spiritual Companioning: A Foundation of Trust and Integrity – A vital exploration of spiritual direction ethics, including consent, boundaries, and integrity. This underpins the compassionate, consent-based approach to card practice shared in Drinking the Tea.
https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2025/03/ethical-spiritual-companioning.html 

• Beltaine, Amy. The Heart of Spiritual Direction – An introductory guide to spiritual companioning, highlighting deep listening, sacred presence, and the relational space that sets the stage for contemplative practices like card work.
https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2025/02/the-heart-of-spiritual-direction.html

Finding Your Guide: Understanding Spiritual Companioning vs. Pastoral Care, Life Coaching, Counseling, and Mentorship

On our life's journey, we often seek guidance and support. But with so many support options available, it can be confusing to know which path to take. This blog post intends to clarify the distinctions between spiritual companioning, pastoral care, life coaching, counseling, and mentorship, helping you find the right fit for your unique self in this unique moment.

Spiritual Companioning: A Journey Together

Spiritual companions, sometimes called spiritual directors, travel alongside you on your spiritual journey. They provide a safe and confidential space for you to build your relationship with what you hold most meaningful, and to explore your faith, values, and inner life. Unlike therapists or counselors, spiritual companions don't offer advice or solutions. Instead, they ask insightful questions, listen deeply, and help you discern your own path. This process of self-discovery fosters clarity of value and purpose and a deeper connection to your spirituality.

Pastoral Care: Nurturing the Community

Pastoral care, offered by religious leaders, provides spiritual guidance and support within a specific religious tradition. Religious leaders may offer brief counseling, officiate at ceremonies, visit the sick, and provide emotional and spiritual support to members of their congregation. Pastoral care often focuses on applying religious teachings to life's challenges and fostering a sense of community within the faith tradition.

Life Coaching: Navigating Towards Goals

Life coaches focus on helping you navigate towards specific goals in your personal or professional life. They employ various techniques to help you identify your goals, develop action plans, overcome obstacles, and achieve greater fulfillment. Life coaching is a future-oriented approach that emphasizes personal empowerment and accountability.

Counseling: Addressing Mental and Emotional Well-being

Counselors and therapists are licensed mental health professionals trained to diagnose and treat mental health conditions. They use evidence-based therapy techniques to address issues like anxiety, depression, trauma, and relationship problems. Counseling provides a safe space to explore your emotions, develop coping mechanisms, and improve your overall well-being.

https://www.instructables.com/Mending-and-Filling-Broken-Ceramic-and-Pottery/

Formator/Teacher/Mentor: Guiding Growth and Development

Formators, teachers, and mentors share their knowledge and experience to guide your development in a specific area. Formators are often found in religious contexts, providing instruction and guidance to those discerning a vocation or deepening their faith. Teachers impart knowledge and skills in a particular subject, while mentors offer personalized guidance and support as you navigate a specific field or life stage.

Choosing the Right Path:

The best path for you depends on your specific needs and goals. Here's a quick breakdown:

• Spiritual Companioning: For making meaning and exploring your spirituality, values, and inner life.
• Pastoral Care: For spiritual guidance within a specific religious tradition.
• Life Coaching: For navigating towards personal or professional goals.
• Counseling: For addressing mental and emotional skills and well-being.
• Formator/Teacher/Mentor: For acquiring knowledge and skills in a specific area.

Remember, these categories aren't always mutually exclusive. You might benefit from a combination of approaches at different points in your life.

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Finding Help and Resources:

• Spiritual companions: Many religious communities offer spiritual direction programs. You can also search online directories of spiritual directors.
• Pastoral care: Contact your local religious leader or place of worship.
• Life coaches: Look for certified life coaches through reputable organizations.
• Counselors: Search online directories of licensed therapists or counselors in your area.
• Formators/Teachers/Mentors: Look for programs or individuals within your field of interest.

The Takeaway:

By understanding the distinctions between these approaches, you can make an informed decision about the guidance you seek. Whether you're seeking meaning and purpose, navigating life's challenges, or pursuing personal growth, there's a path that can support you on your journey.

• If you feel called to explore the meaning and direction of your spirituality with a credentialed companion, visit https://shorturl.at/pr0ue or http://UUSDN.org to find a spiritual companion.

• If you are thinking of professional changes for the new year... consider the 2-year Spiritual Direction Certification program through Cherry Hill Seminary. There are still a few openings for our March 2026 cohort. This program trains spiritual companions for earth-based, Pagan, UU and multi-religious communities.
  If you've been considering a career transition into spiritual care, or want to add spiritual companioning to your existing ministry or helping profession, I'm holding discovery calls through January.
  The program is trauma-aware, justice-oriented, consent-based, and designed for working adults. 11 spots remaining, applications close February 15.
  Schedule a conversation: https://SpiritualTendingWithAmy.as.me/SpiDirInquiry
  Program details: https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2025/01/cherry-hill-spiritual-direction.html

Beloved, you are whole, holy, and worthy,

Rev. Amy

Divination in Spirit Tending: A Sortilege Practice Guide

 Sortilege Practice Guide: Drawing Lots for Discernment

A step-by-step contemplative exercise for spiritual companions and seekers

What This Practice Is

Sortilege, also called cleromancy (Greek) or sortes (Roman), is the practice of casting or drawing lots to support discernment. It appears across religious traditions: from Greek oracles to Indigenous practices worldwide.

This isn't fortune-telling. It's structured randomness that creates spaciousness for the sacred to speak.

You hold a question. You draw a prompt at random. You notice what arises.

The power isn't in the papers. It's in the pause, the openness, and your willingness to be surprised by what you already know.

This practice comes from my work training spiritual companions in the Cherry Hill Certification Program. I’ve seen seekers use sortilege to break through analysis paralysis, access embodied wisdom, and invite the sacred into threshold moments. It’s simple, powerful, and culturally accessible.

Casting Lots game available

When to Use This Practice

Sortilege works well when:

• You're circling the same question repeatedly without clarity
• Your rational mind has analyzed a decision to exhaustion
• You're at a threshold or transition
• You need to access wisdom beneath conscious thought
• You want to invite the sacred into a discernment process

It's particularly useful for spiritual companions because it models the kind of spaciousness we create in direction sessions—asking unexpected questions that help seekers discover their own knowing.

What You'll Need

Materials:

• Paper (any kind)
• Pen or pencil
• A bowl, basket, hat, bag, or container
• 10-15 minutes of uninterrupted time
• A question or concern you're holding

Setting:

• A quiet space where you won't be disturbed
• You may want to light a candle or create sacred space in your usual way
• Have your journal, or a spiritual companion, nearby for reflection afterward

The Practice: Step by Step

Step 1: Prepare Your Prompts (5 minutes)

On separate pieces of paper, write 5-10 discernment questions. These are NOT questions about your specific situation. They're doorways into reflection.

Starter prompts (use these or create your own):

• What am I afraid of?
• What brings me life?
• What do I already know?
• What am I avoiding?
• What wants my attention?
• What gift am I already carrying?
• Where is the sacred already at work?
• What wants to be released?
• What am I being invited to trust?
• What would love do here?
• What does my body know?
• What am I pretending not to notice?

Customize for your tradition:

If you're Christian, you might add:

• Where is grace moving?
• What is the Spirit saying?
• How is God already present?

If you're Pagan, you might add:

• What does the land want me to know?
• Which ancestor is speaking?
• What season am I in?

If you're Buddhist, you might add:

• What attachment is present?
• Where is compassion needed?
• What is the middle way here?

If you're secular/humanist, you might add:

• What's my unconscious telling me?
• What aligns with my values?
• What would my wisest self say?

The key: Write prompts that invite reflection, not answers. Questions that open rather than close.

Step 2: Prepare Your Lots (2 minutes)

Cut or tear the papers into pieces.

Fold or crumple each piece so you can't tell which is which when you look at them.

Place the papers into your container.

Step 3: Ground and Center (2 minutes)

Before drawing, take a few moments to arrive. You might take that time to gently mix the papers in the container.

Suggested grounding:

Close your eyes.

Notice your breath. Feel your body in the chair, your feet on the ground.

Bring your awareness to the question or concern you're holding. You don't need to have it perfectly articulated. Just notice what's present.

Notice where you feel this question in your body. Is there tightness? Heaviness? A sense of waiting? Just notice.

Take three deep breaths.

When you feel ready, open your eyes.

Step 4: Hold Your Question (1 minute)

Bring your question or concern to mind. Hold it gently. You might even speak it aloud:

"I'm holding this question about [whether to take the new job / my readiness to see seekers / how to respond to this conflict / what my next step is]."

Or simply:

"I'm here. I'm listening. I'm open to what wants to emerge."

Step 5: Draw One Lot

Without looking, reach into the container and draw one folded paper.

Some traditions say to draw with your non-dominant hand. Others say it doesn't matter. Do what feels right.

Hold the folded paper for a moment before opening it.

Notice: Is there anticipation? Curiosity? Resistance? Just notice.

When you're ready, unfold the paper and read the prompt.

Step 6: Sit With What Arose (5-10 minutes)

Read the prompt you drew.

Notice your immediate response. Your body might react before your mind does. What sensation is present?

Then reflect on these questions:

What does this prompt reveal about my situation?

• Not "Does this apply?" but "If this prompt is speaking to me, what's it saying?"
• What connection do you notice between this question and your concern?

What wants my attention?

• What thought, feeling, memory, or knowing is surfacing?
• What am I noticing that I wasn't letting myself notice before?

What's my resistance?

• If your first response is "This doesn't apply" or "I drew the wrong one," notice that.
• Resistance is information. What are you resisting?

What clarity is emerging?

• You may not have a complete answer. That's fine.
• What's shifted? What's becoming clearer? What wants to be explored further?

Write in your journal, talk with a spiritual companion. 

Step 7: Close the Practice (1 minute)

When you feel complete (or when your time is up), take a moment to acknowledge what emerged.

You might say:

• "Thank you for what I've received."
• "I trust this unfolding."
• "I'll stay open to what continues to reveal itself."

Blow out your candle if you lit one. Return to your day.

Variations on the Practice

For Ongoing Discernment

Create a set of prompts and keep them in a special bowl or box. Draw one each morning for a week or month as part of your spiritual practice. Journal on what accumulates.

With a Friend

Each person creates their own set of prompts. Take turns being the focus person who draws and reflects while the other holds witnessing presence. Don't interpret for each other, just hold space.

In Group Spiritual Direction

Create a shared set of prompts. Each person draws one at the start of the session. The prompts become doorways into shared reflection.

Offering this practice to Seekers in Spiritual Direction

“If a seeker is circling a question repeatedly, you might offer: ‘Would you be open to a contemplative practice that invites surprise?’ If yes, guide them through creating prompts and drawing one. Hold space while they reflect, asking curious questions about what they’re noticing.

For Transition Moments

Create prompts specific to the threshold you're crossing:

• Graduating from a program
• Starting a spiritual direction practice
• Entering a new role
• Leaving something behind
• Facing illness or loss

What If the Prompt "Doesn't Fit"?

Sometimes you draw a prompt and think: "This has nothing to do with my question."

That reaction itself is information.

Try this: Assume the randomness brought you exactly what you needed, even if you don't see the connection yet. Ask:

"If this prompt IS relevant, how?" "What am I not letting myself see?" "What would it mean if this were true?" "What's my resistance telling me?"

Sometimes the "irrelevant" prompt cracks open the question from an angle you hadn't considered.

Sometimes it shows you that you're asking the wrong question.

Sometimes it reveals what you're avoiding.

Trust the practice. Stay curious.

What If I Want to Draw Again?

You might be tempted to draw multiple prompts or keep drawing until you get one you like.

Resist this.

The practice works through constraint. You draw one. You sit with what came. You trust the process.

Drawing again is like trying to control the outcome. It defeats the purpose.

If you're genuinely unsure after sitting with your first prompt, you can:

1. Set the practice aside and return tomorrow with fresh eyes
2. Journal more deeply on why you want to draw again
3. Bring your prompts to spiritual direction and reflect on them with your companion

But don't keep drawing in the same session. That's not discernment. That's seeking a specific answer.

A Note on Interpretation

You are the interpreter of what you drew.

No one else can tell you what your prompt means. Not your spiritual companion, not a book, not an expert.

The practice works because YOU bring your question, your history, your knowing, your body, your sacred relationship to the moment. The prompt is just a doorway. You walk through it.

Trust yourself.

If you're working with a spiritual companion, their role is to ask curious questions about what YOU'RE noticing, not to tell you what they think it means.

For Spiritual Companions: Teaching This Practice

When you offer sortilege to a seeker:

Frame it clearly: "This is a contemplative tool, not fortune-telling. The randomness creates space for your own wisdom to emerge."

Invite, don't prescribe: "Would you be open to a practice that invites surprise?" Not "You should try this."

Let them create their own prompts if possible. This makes it theirs, not yours.

Hold witnessing presence while they reflect. Your job is spaciousness, not interpretation.

Ask curious questions:

• "What are you noticing?"
• "How does this prompt connect to your question?"
• "What's your resistance?"
• "What clarity is emerging?"

Trust the process. Don't rush. Don't fix. Don't explain. Just be present.

Why This Works

Sortilege works not because the papers have power, but because:

It interrupts the loop. Your rational mind stops circling and has to respond to something unexpected.

It accesses unconscious knowing. Your body and deeper mind often know things your conscious mind hasn't caught up to yet.

It creates genuine openness. When you don't know what you'll draw, you can't prepare a response. You have to be present to what actually arises.

It invites the sacred in. The pause, the question, the randomness, the reflection—it's all a form of prayer. You're saying: "I don't have this figured out. I'm listening."

It models the spiritual direction relationship. Unexpected questions. Spaciousness. Trust in the seeker's own knowing. This is what we do with seekers.

Begin

You have paper. You have a pen. You have a question.

That's all you need.

Create your prompts. Fold your papers. Draw one lot.

Notice what arises.

Trust the unfolding.

Divination in Spirit Tending: Choose the Tool

Divination as Contemplative Practice: Navigating the Ethics

A reflection on choosing divination tools that honor cultural lineages

The Question on the Table

January is discernment month in my Spiritual Direction training program. So we wrestle with which divination practices work well and are ethically available to us. [SpiDir Program Information]

The short answer: It depends on which practices, and whether you have an authentic relationship with them.

The longer answer requires us to look honestly at appropriation, lineage, and what we're actually doing when we use divination in spiritual direction work.

What Divination Is

Let's start by stripping away the mystification. Divination isn't fortune-telling. It's not about predicting the future or accessing secret knowledge.

Divination, at its contemplative best, is structured randomness that creates spaciousness for the sacred to speak.

Think of it this way: You're holding a question. Your rational mind has been circling it, analyzing it, worrying it like a dog with a bone. Divination interrupts that loop. It introduces something unexpected, a card, a symbol, a question you didn't ask yourself, and in that interruption, space opens. The unconscious speaks. The sacred moves. You discover what you already knew but couldn't access.

This is useful work for spiritual companions. We hold space for that kind of discovery with seekers all the time. Sometimes a contemplative tool can help.

But like most of life, it can be complicated.

The Appropriation Landscape

Many of the most popular divination tools are either culturally appropriated or carry other ethical problems. As ethical people we have a mandate to do discernment. That means we may discover we need to grieve, and then take solace in seeking the next right thing.

Tarot

Tarot has a complex European history, but much of its modern use is built on false narratives about Romani and Egyptian origins. The New Age movement extracted symbols and practices from multiple cultures, stripped them of context, and sold them as universal spiritual technology. Using tarot without reckoning with that history can perpetuate harm.

Could someone use tarot ethically? Certainly, if they've done deep study of both the European cartomancy tradition AND the oppression history, and if they can teach their seekers that context. A spiritual leader needs to err on the side of caution because what you do implies permission for seekers.

Runes

Runes come from Norse and Germanic traditions. The problem isn't just cultural appropriation (though that's present in New Age usage). It's also that runes have been co-opted by white supremacist movements. Using runes in spiritual direction work without wrestling with both issues, cultural context AND racist co-option, could perpetuate harm.

I Ching

The I Ching is a profound Chinese philosophical and divinatory text. It requires years of study within its cultural context to use well. Western practitioners who extract the hexagrams and casting method without that study, lineage, or relationship are engaging in appropriation.

Could someone use I Ching ethically? Yes, if they have legitimate training within the tradition, can teach the Taoist and Confucian philosophical context, and approach it with proper humility and cultural competency.

Street fortune teller consults with client in Taichung, Taiwan CC0

The Pattern

Notice the pattern? Popular divination tools often involve:

• Extraction of technique from cultural context
• False or incomplete origin stories
• Commercialization disconnected from tradition
• White/Western practitioners claiming authority without lineage

This matters. Cultural appropriation isn't just "borrowing." It's taking sacred practices from marginalized communities, stripping away meaning and accountability, and profiting from them while those communities continue to face discrimination. If there isn't exchange, respect, and relationship, it's time to ask questions.

Better Options: Practices With Wider Access

So what can spiritual companions use without worrying about causing harm?

Here are practices that either have legitimate cross-cultural presence or can be created anew without appropriation:

1. Bibliomancy

Opening your sacred text to a random passage and reflecting on what you find.

Why it works:

• Uses texts from YOUR tradition (Bible, poetry, mythology, dharma talks)
• Clear lineage, you're working within your own religious/spiritual framework
• No cultural extraction involved
• Can be taught to seekers from any tradition

How to use it: Hold your question, open the book with eyes closed, read what you find. Notice what arises.

2. Sortilege/Cleromancy (Casting Lots)

Writing questions or prompts on paper, folding them, and drawing one at random.

Why it works:

• Appears across many traditions (Biblical, Greek, Roman, others)
• So widespread it's more universal human practice than owned cultural technology
• Anyone can create their own version immediately
• No special training, purchase, or cultural knowledge required
• Explicitly sanctioned in Christian scripture (for seekers with that background)

How to use it: Write 5-10 discernment questions on slips of paper. Fold them so you can't tell which is which. Place in a bowl. Hold your question, draw one slip, reflect on what it reveals.

(I’ve created a full step-by-step guide to this practice - see https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2026/01/divination-in-spirit-tending-sortilege.html)

3. Pendulum Dowsing

Using a weighted string to answer yes/no questions through subtle body movements.

Why it works:

• Appears across multiple cultures as a technique
• More of a tool than a sacred practice with ownership
• Can be made by anyone (string + weight)
• Frame as "accessing body wisdom"

How to use it: Hold a question that can be answered yes/no. Hold the pendulum still. Notice which way it swings (your micro-movements reveal unconscious knowing).

4. Body Divination

Noticing how your body responds to a question or possibility.

Why it works:

• No tools needed
• No cultural ownership issues
• Directly connects to somatic wisdom
• Pairs well with consolation/desolation discernment

How to use it: Hold your question. Notice: Does your body expand or contract? Where do you feel sensation? What's the quality of your breath?

Photo by Dagmara , from Pexels CC0

For Practitioners

If you're drawn to divination in your spiritual direction practice:

Start with practices you have authentic relationship with. What's in your own tradition's toolkit? What did your spiritual ancestors use?

Be honest about what you're doing. You're using structured randomness to create contemplative space. You're not accessing secret knowledge or predicting pre-ordained futures. Frame it accurately.

Teach your seekers the context. If you offer a practice, help them understand where it comes from and why you're using it.

Stay accountable. Talk with your supervisor or peer group about your use of contemplative tools. Get feedback. Be willing to hear when you've crossed a line.

Remember the goal. Divination is never the point. The seeker's relationship with the sacred is the point. The tool serves that relationship. If the tool becomes the focus, something's gone sideways.

If you’re a spiritual companion reading this and thinking, ‘I want to learn more about ethical contemplative practices’m this is the kind of work we do in the Cherry Hill Spiritual Direction Certification Program. We don’t just teach techniques. We teach you to hold the ethical complexity, to stay in relationship with cultural humility, and to develop practices that serve seekers without causing harm.

The Spaciousness Matters More Than the Method

At the end of the day, what matters isn't which divination tool you use.

What matters is: Can you create spaciousness for the sacred to speak? Can you hold open, curious presence? Can you help your seeker access their own deep knowing?

You can do that with sortilege. You can do that with bibliomancy. You can do that with body awareness. You can do that with no tools at all, just your presence and your questions.

The method is less important than the spaciousness.

But how we choose our methods, with cultural humility, with respect for lineages not our own, with honesty about appropriation, that matters too.

Because spiritual companionship is about integrity. All the way down.

Beloved, you are whole, holy, and worthy,

Amy

Grounding Meditation: Gathering at the Communal Hearth

Embers of Community: Gathering at the Communal Hearth

Approximately 5-7 minutes. For the reader: Speak slowly, with warmth. Pause between paragraphs.

Settling into presence

Everything offered in this grounding is an invitation. Please engage in whatever way feels right to you. You are the sacred steward of your own experience.

Let's begin by arriving. Right here, on the longest night, with whatever this solstice brings: your weariness, your commitment, your need for warmth and connection.

Feel the contact between your body and what supports you: the chair or bed or floor beneath you, the air touching your skin in this moment.

If connecting with your body feels difficult tonight, you might bring awareness to your surroundings: the quality of light in your space, sounds near and far, or simply the sense of being held by this moment.

Fire in a fire circle, stock photo, CC0

Finding your inner warmth

Now, I invite you to shift awareness to the quiet ways your body generates warmth. You might notice your heartbeat, steady as embers glowing in darkness, constant as a fire tended through the night. Or the breath moving in and out, bringing oxygen to feed the flame of your life force.

Maybe you sense warmth in your chest, or the circulation of blood through your limbs, gentle reminders that you carry your own fire, your own capacity to sustain yourself through winter.

Let your awareness settle there. You need only be present. Right now, that is enough.

Imagining the communal hearth.

In this grounded awareness, let yourself imagine a hearth. Not in any specific place, but wherever feels safe and sacred to you. Perhaps it's indoors, a grate cradling glowing coals. Perhaps it's a fire circle under winter stars. Perhaps it's a gathering space where your community naturally comes together.

The fire burns low but steady, embers pulsing with gentle light, ready to receive what we bring.

You are not alone at this hearth. Others gather here too, some arriving from the cold, some already settled in the warmth. Some you know well. Some you're meeting for the first time. All are welcome here.

Offering what you bring

Each person who gathers brings something to sustain the fire. Some bring wood, carefully gathered, dried, ready to catch flame. Some bring kindling, small twigs, pine cones, or moss: tinder to help the blaze grow. Some bring their breath, leaning close to coax reluctant embers back to life. Some simply bring their presence, the warmth of their bodies, the light of their attention.

What do you bring to this communal hearth?

Maybe it's a story that needs telling. Maybe it's a skill or wisdom earned through experience. Maybe it's laughter or song or the simple willingness to sit together in the longest dark. Maybe it's just your breath, your body, your presence... which is always, always enough.

You don't need to know what you're bringing. Simply feel the impulse to contribute, to share, to add your warmth to the collective glow.

Soup pot over backyard fire, stock photo, CC0

Being warmed by community

Now notice what it feels like to receive from this shared fire. The warmth isn't yours alone, it's created by many offerings, many hands tending the flame together.

Feel the heat on your face, your hands. Let yourself be held by the circle of this light. You are sustained not just by your own fire, but by what we create together, the ember of community that burns through the coldest nights, that carries us from solstice to solstice.

If anything feels overwhelming, return to your anchor, your heartbeat, your breath, your own steady warmth.

Carrying shared warmth

You are part of a sacred circle. Your presence is holy. Your offerings, however small they may feel, feed the fire that sustains us all through winter.

When you're ready, begin to gently return. Come back to this moment. To the sensation of your seat, your feet, your breath. To this body that carries warmth. To this gathering where we tend the fire together.

Wiggle your fingers or shift your shoulders. Notice the space around you. Take in a sound, the presence of what is here, now, the light that illuminates your space.

Let this sense of shared warmth guide you through the long nights.

Grounding Meditation: For The Deer Mother's Path

Grounding Meditation: Inner Sun, Inner Night

For The Deer Mother's Path – December 7, 2025

*For the reader: Speak slowly, with gentle warmth. Pause between paragraphs. Let your voice feel like soft light in darkness. Approximately 5-6 minutes.*

[Settling into presence]

Everything offered in this grounding is an invitation. Please engage in whatever way feels right to you. You are the sacred steward of your own experience.

Let's begin by arriving. Right here, with whatever this moment brings—your energy or exhaustion, your openness or resistance, your light or shadow.

Feel the contact between your body and what supports you—perhaps your chair, the floor beneath your feet, the gentle pressure of air on your skin.

If connecting with your body feels difficult today, you might bring awareness to your surroundings—the quality of light or darkness in your space, sounds near or far, or simply the sense of being held by this moment.

Reindeer by Circe Denyer CC0

[Finding your breath, finding your rhythm]

Now, I invite you to shift awareness to the quiet rhythms of your being. Notice your breath moving in and out—no need to change it, just witness its natural pace.

You might notice your heartbeat—steady, persistent, constant as the turning of the Earth.

Perhaps you sense warmth somewhere in your body—your chest, your belly, your hands. Or perhaps you notice coolness—your breath at your nostrils, the air on your skin.

Let your awareness settle there. You need only be present. Right now, that is enough.

 [Connecting to your inner sun]

In this gentle awareness, I invite curiosity: Can you sense warmth somewhere in your body? Maybe a place that feels most alive, most vital. Perhaps your heart center, or your solar plexus, or somewhere else entirely.

This is your inner sun—not blazing, not demanding, just steadily present. The part of you that persists through seasons. The part that generates warmth even in cold times.

You don't need to make it bigger or brighter. Simply notice it. This light that has carried you through every winter you've survived. Every dark time you've navigated.

Breathe into this warmth. Let it remind you: you carry your own light. You always have.

[Welcoming your inner night]

And now, with that same gentle curiosity, notice the darkness you carry. The parts of you that are still, quiet, resting. The spaces of not-knowing. The mysteries you hold.

This is your inner night—not frightening, not empty, but full of potential. The dark soil where things germinate. The quiet where deep knowing lives. The rest that makes all growth possible.

Your inner night might feel like the cool depths of a deep breath, or the stillness in your belly, or simply the sense of space within you.

You don't need to illuminate it or change it. Simply acknowledge it. This darkness that protects your deepest self, that holds your dreams, that gives your light something to shine against.

Breathe into this darkness. Let it remind you: you carry your own depth. You always have.

[Holding both]

For a moment, rest in this awareness: you are both. Light and dark. Sun and night. Warmth and cool. Action and rest.

You don't have to choose. You don't have to be only one or the other. You carry both—and this is your wholeness.

Like the winter solstice that approaches, you are the meeting place of darkness and returning light. Like the deer who lives on land and moves like sky. Like the breath that takes in air and releases it transformed.

Both. Always both.

If anything feels overwhelming, return to your anchor—your heartbeat, your breath, your connection to what supports you.

[Closing in wholeness]

When you're ready, begin to gently return. Come back to this moment. To the sensation of your seat or your feet. To your breath. To this body, this space, this gathering.

Perhaps wiggle your fingers or shift your shoulders. Notice the space around you. Take in a sound, the presence of others, the light—whatever kind—that illuminates your space.

You are whole. You are here. 

Deep Listening: While You WAIT

Words shape the sacred space of spiritual direction, but so does silence. In a previous post, W.A.I.T.: Why Am I Talking, I explored how intentional restraint helps companions create spaciousness for Spirit. This post is the other side of that practice: what happens while you wait.

If W.A.I.T. teaches us when and why to speak, Deep Listening teaches us how and to what we attend.

Listening Beneath the Words

Deep listening is more than hearing. It is a contemplative posture, receiving another’s story with heart, body, and spirit. It invites us to notice tone, rhythm, silence, gesture, and what stirs within ourselves as we listen.

In Buddhist mindfulness, this is “listening with beginner’s mind.”
In the Christian contemplative tradition, Benedict calls it “listening with the ear of the heart.”
Indigenous and Pagan wisdom remind us to listen to wind, water, stone, and silence as teachers.
In Quaker practice, we “listen beneath the words” for the movement of Spirit.

Each path points toward the same truth: listening itself can be prayer.

Drawing by Hawthorne Post

Listening With Your Whole Self

When you are fully present, your body participates in the listening. Breath slows. Muscles soften. Attention widens.

Before speaking,  or even forming a question, pause to notice:

• What sensations arise as your explorer speaks?

• What emotions ripple through you?

• What happens in your breath and belly as silence deepens?

Your body’s wisdom helps you discern whether a response serves the seeker or your own comfort. This is deep listening in action: grounded, embodied awareness that keeps your voice aligned with sacred purpose.

The Threefold Attention

As you listen, you are attending on three levels:

1. To the Explorer: their words, emotions, and unfolding meaning.

2. To Yourself: your interior reactions, intuitions, and resonances.

3. To the Holy: the subtle movement of Spirit within and between you both.

Holding awareness of all three creates a living triangle of presence. None are ignored; all are received with reverence.

Practice: Listening Beneath the Words

During your next session, experiment with this contemplative practice:

1. Take three deep breaths before your explorer begins to speak.

2. As they share, silently repeat, “I am listening.”

3. Attend to your body as well as their words.

4. When you notice silence, let it expand instead of filling it.

5. Afterward, reflect:

   • What did I hear from my explorer?

   • What did I hear from within?

   • What did I hear from Spirit?

Listening this way is active, though it may appear still. It builds the inner spaciousness that W.A.I.T. protects. Together, these two practices, W.A.I.T. and Deep Listening, create a rhythm of speaking and silence, giving and receiving, that allows the sacred to emerge naturally.

Beloved, you are whole, holy, and worthy.

— Rev. Amy

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See Also These Posts

• W.A.I.T.: Why Am I Talking – Explores common pitfalls in spiritual direction and how to cultivate presence instead. https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2025/05/wait-common-pitfalls-in-spiritual.html

• Communication Theory in Spiritual Direction – A deeper dive into the psychological and spiritual foundations of listening and presence.
    https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2024/01/communication-theory-in-spiritual.html

• The Heart of Spiritual Direction – Introduces the foundations of spiritual direction, highlighting presence, sacred listening, and the call to honor seekers as whole and holy. https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2025/02/the-heart-of-spiritual-direction.html

• I-Thou: Pronouns and Invitation in Spiritual Companioning – Offers reflection on relational language and its impact in spiritual direction. https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2025/05/i-thou-pronouns-and-invitation-in.html

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For Further Exploration

• Oliveros, Pauline – Deep Listening: A Composer’s Sound Practice – A contemplative and creative approach to awareness through sound, silence, and presence.
https://deeplistening.rpi.edu

• Palmer, Parker – Let Your Life Speak – Explores how deep listening to self and Spirit reveals authentic vocation.
https://couragerenewal.org/let-your-life-speak

• Palmer, Parker – A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life – On creating “circles of trust” where deep listening, silence, and inner wisdom can emerge.
https://couragerenewal.org/a-hidden-wholeness

• May, Gerald G. – Care of Mind, Care of Spirit – A classic text on the director’s inner stance: silence, presence, and discernment.

• Barry, William A. & Connolly, William J. – The Practice of Spiritual Direction – Explores how silence and the director’s interior response open the way for divine encounter.

• Harrow, Judy – Spiritual Mentoring: A Pagan Guide – Grounded wisdom on compassionate language and presence within Pagan and earth-based traditions.

This Heart of Sacred Tending series is ©2025 Amy Beltaine, all rights reserved. You may freely reprint any blog post, website, or print resource. Simply include the following attribution, and if you print online, make the link at the end live: 

Article ©2025 Amy Beltaine, all rights reserved. Reprinted with permission. This article and hundreds of others, along with other free resources, are available at http://www.AmyBeltaine.info

Ethics: The Heart of Trust in Spiritual Companionship

Ethical Foundations in Spirit Tending

Spiritual direction rests on sacred trust. A seeker invites us into the tender landscape of their spirit, and our response must be both reverent and responsible. Ethics is not about fear of doing something wrong; it’s about love made visible through respect, boundaries, and consent.

When we offer direction without attention to ethics, even with the best intentions, we can cause harm. When we ground our companionship in ethical awareness, we offer safety, a space where seekers can risk honesty, vulnerability, and growth. Ethics becomes a form of spiritual hospitality.

Particular Focuses

1. Consent Is Ongoing

Consent is more than a signature on an intake form. It’s a continual invitation to mutual clarity. Before beginning direction, we discuss what the relationship is and what it isn’t. We name limits: confidentiality, scope of practice, session structure, fees or donations, and how to end the relationship when the time comes.
Throughout the journey, we keep checking in. “Is this kind of reflection helpful?” “Would you like to pause here?” “Are you comfortable with this kind of question?” These small acts of consent keep the work sacred and safe.

2. Boundaries Hold the Container

Boundaries are not walls; they are vessels. They hold the relationship’s purpose and protect its integrity.
We are not therapists, pastors, or best friends. We are companions who witness, listen, and discern alongside.
Boundaries also include clear communication: we set expectations about contact between sessions, confidentiality, and what happens when ethical lines blur. For instance, if we feel strong attraction, pity, or a desire to fix, we name these movements within ourselves. Naming these realities is not shameful; it’s responsible.

3. Accountability Is a Form of Love

No one practices ethically in isolation. Supervision, peer reflection, and continuing education are our lifelines. They help us see our denial or when we've missed the mark without noticing. They help us remain responsive to the people we serve.
Supervision isn’t punishment for mistakes; it’s part of the discipline of humility. A supervisor provides compassionate support. In supervision we can say, “Something felt off,” or “What is going on with me that I want to cry after every appointment with this person,” and together we discern the next faithful step.

4. Power and Transparency

Whether we name it or not, we hold power. We are the ones a seeker looks to for guidance, recognition, or reflection. The ethical task is not to deny that power but to use it with integrity: never coercing, never manipulating, never claiming authority over another’s truth.
Transparency helps balance power: we can explain our process, our training, and our limits. We can acknowledge mistakes. We can model what it looks like to remain teachable and human.

Try It

Spend a few minutes journaling or reflecting on these questions:

• When have I experienced someone’s ethical care as sacred? What made it feel that way?

• What boundaries or practices help me offer spiritual conpanioning with consent and safety?

• How do I respond when I realize I’ve made an ethical misstep?

Then, find one concrete way to strengthen your container — perhaps scheduling regular supervision, revisiting your disclosure statement, or practicing how you’ll talk about consent at intake.

For Further Exploration

• Embracing Consent: A Foundation for Ethical Spiritual Tending and Human Connection- https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2025/04/embracing-consent-foundation-for.html
• Spiritual Directors International: Guidelines for Ethical Conduct: A concise, widely used framework for ethical reflection. https://www.sdicompanions.org/ethicalguidelines
• Carol Gilligan - The Ethics of Care - Carol Gilligan's Contributions. https://philosophynest.com/details-3408000-the-ethics-of-care---carol-gilligans-contributions.html
• adrienne maree brown - Awe. Liberation. Pleasure. https://adriennemareebrown.net/
• Starhawk - Regenerative Culture. Earth-Based Spirituality. https://starhawk.org/
• Parker Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness - Reflections on integrity, community, and the hidden teacher within.
• Megan Devine, It’s OK That You’re Not OK - Though not about direction specifically, this book models deep presence without fixing or rescuing.

Author’s Note: The Ground Beneath These Ethics

This chapter rests on a living tradition of relational and liberationist ethics, ways of practicing care that honor agency, mutuality, and justice. Rather than focusing on fixed rules or outcomes, these approaches invite us to stay in right relationship: with self, with seeker, and with the Sacred.

Key influences include:

• Ethics of Care - Carol Gilligan, Nel Noddings, Margaret Farley. These writers describe ethics as responsiveness to real people in real relationships.

• Consent and Trauma Awareness - Staci Haines, Resmaa Menakem, Adrienne Maree Brown. Their work teaches that safety and agency are the foundations of healing and trust.

• Liberation and Decolonial Ethics - Gustavo Gutiérrez, James Cone, bell hooks, and Indigenous scholars who remind us that power, privilege, and justice are spiritual matters.

• Covenantal and Communal Ethics - Parker Palmer, Howard Thurman, and many Pagan and animist traditions frame ethics as an ongoing covenant of right relationship within the web of life.

Together, these streams form a relational, consent-centered, liberation-informed ethics of care — one that roots spiritual direction in humility, accountability, and reverence for individual sovereignty in community.

Spiritual Tending for Mortals: Attending to Death, Dying, and Loss

Attending to Death, Dying, and Loss

How we meet death shapes how we live. Death is a certainty of human life, yet many cultures treat it as unspeakable. Those facing their mortality often find themselves isolated, and those grieving may be pressured to move on too quickly. As spiritual companions, we are called to hold space for the realities of death, dying, and loss and support seekers in finding meaning within their spiritual traditions.

This post offers a practical framework for accompanying people through three key experiences: grappling with mortality, preparing for death, and navigating bereavement. Ritual, tradition, and compassionate presence can help people move through these profound transitions.

Photo courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons, Photo User HORIZON

Grappling with Mortality

Some seekers arrive in spiritual companionship when they begin to face their mortality—through aging, illness, or an awareness of life’s fragility. These conversations can bring deep existential questions:

What is my life’s meaning? What happens after I die? How do I prepare?

Try These Ways to Support Seekers

• Inviting open, spiritually grounded conversation: Many have never spoken openly about death. Acknowledging fears, hopes, and uncertainties can be profoundly freeing. Whether they frame mortality through reincarnation, heaven, ancestral connection, or mystery, companions can help seekers explore their beliefs with depth and clarity.
• Encouraging life review: Reflecting on one’s journey, values, and relationships can bring peace. Practices like storytelling, letter-writing, or compiling a spiritual autobiography can be meaningful. This can lead to the question posed by the poet Mary Oliver: “What do you wish to do with your one precious life?”

Many seekers will also ask, “Where is the Divine in this?” ...especially as they encounter suffering, fear, or grief. This is a question to hold with great care. A companion does not need to provide an answer but can gently explore this longing, inviting the seeker’s own wisdom and experience to emerge.

Preparing for Death: Accompanying Those Nearing the End

Spiritual companionship brings sacred presence. The focus shifts from seeking answers to finding comfort, closure, and connection. Often, the companion’s role also extends to those close to the dying person—offering guidance and support to loved ones.

Ways to Accompany Someone Nearing Death

• Attuning to their needs: Some may wish to reflect on their lives; others may simply want quiet companionship. Compassionate presence is key.
• Engaging in ritual: Ritual can provide grounding and peace. This may include reciting prayers, offering blessings, or drawing from the seeker’s tradition—such as a Wiccan passing ritual, Christian last rites, or Tibetan Buddhist death meditations.
• Supporting goodbyes:  Helping a person express final words to loved ones or engage in symbolic acts (like passing on meaningful objects) can bring resolution.

Ring Theory by Susan Silk, Illustration by Wes Bausmith/LA Times

Bereavement: Anticipatory Loss and Coping with Grief

Grief often begins before a loved one has died, and it does not follow a predictable course. Companions can support people from anticipatory grief through the long journey of loss.

Key Ways to Accompany the Bereaved:

• Breaking the taboo of grief: Many feel pressure to “move on” or grieve a certain way. Companions affirm that grief is not a problem to be solved but a process to be honored. Consider attending a Death Café or facilitating similar discussions in your community.
• Holding space for mourning rituals: Sitting Shiva, ancestor altars, lighting candles, and writing letters to the deceased are just a few ways different traditions support the grieving. Exploring or creating personalized rituals can help seekers find solace.
• Encouraging self-compassion: Grief is unpredictable; waves of sorrow, moments of peace, and unexpected emotions are all natural. Companions can affirm that whatever arises is part of the process.

Complicated Grief: Sudden Death, Child Loss, and Other Deep Wounds

Some losses carry a unique weight: losing a child, experiencing a sudden or violent death, or enduring a miscarriage or stillbirth. These kinds of grief can be especially complex, bringing profound sorrow, anger, guilt, or shock.

In Rochester, NY, nurses created a gentle ritual for families grieving infant loss, offering time, touch, and keepsakes to honor the child’s life.

When offering such rituals, consent is essential. Not every grieving person will want to engage in these practices, and no one should be pressured. The role of a spiritual companion is to offer, not impose—to listen deeply and respond with care to the needs of the seeker.

Additionally, some seekers may come to you because they themselves are struggling with wanting to die, or because they love someone who is suicidal or who has chosen to die. These are tender and difficult realities that require deep presence and often professional collaboration. I address them more fully in another post [https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2025/05/traveling-with-despair-consent.html].

Addressing Misunderstandings

There’s no “right” way to grieve. People often feel pressured to grieve quickly or loudly or in a particular way. Companions affirm that every grief journey is unique, and there is no timeline for healing.

“The Stages of Grief are not Stages”, art by Beth Erlander

Self-Care for Spiritual Companions

Companioning others through death and grief is sacred work, but it can also be emotionally taxing. To sustain this work, have your own companion, seek supervision, honor your limits. Consent works both ways. If a conversation is too emotionally heavy, it’s okay to pause or refer the seeker to additional support.

Final Thoughts

Spiritual companions play a vital role in making space for death, dying, and grief by breaking silence, offering ritual, attending to the presence of the sacred, and honoring each person’s unique journey. By showing up with care and presence, we help seekers navigate one of life’s greatest transitions with dignity and meaning. Attending to death is an act of deep love for life itself.

You are whole, holy, and worthy.

Rev. Amy

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Further Reading & Resources

• Death Café – A global movement normalizing conversations about death.
• The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller – A deep dive into grief and ritual.
• The Five Invitations by Frank Ostaseski – Lessons from a Buddhist hospice pioneer.
• It’s OK That You’re Not OK by Megan Devine – A compassionate guide for grievers.
• National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization – Hospice resources and end-of-life planning.

How have you witnessed or participated in meaningful end-of-life rituals? I invite you to share reflections in the comments.

This Heart of Spiritual Direction series is ©2025 Amy Beltaine, all rights reserved. You may freely reprint any blog post, website, or print resource. Simply include the following attribution, and if you print online, make the link at the end live:

Article ©2025 Amy Beltaine, all rights reserved. Reprinted with permission. This article and hundreds of others, along with other free resources are available at http://www.AmyBeltaine.info