Searching through the Rubble for Kindness
When layoffs were sweeping through my workplace many years ago, I watched people I had thought of as kind and decent become cruel. Colleagues who once smiled in the hallways began hoarding resources, undermining one another, and snapping at anyone they perceived as vulnerable. I was shocked—and to be honest, deeply disillusioned. It was one of my earliest adult encounters with how fear and scarcity can twist people.
I did some reading at the time, trying to understand. The answers were complicated—and they still are.
I want to believe people are good. Some might call that Pollyanna-ish, especially when we’re surrounded by cruelty, bullying, or indifference. But even if some people lose their way, that doesn’t mean we should stop believing in goodness—or trying to practice it ourselves.
Recent research reveals that in disasters, many people do rise to the occasion. Sociologists studying natural disasters like hurricanes and earthquakes have found that people often show extraordinary generosity and cooperation—what some call catastrophe compassion. When the world collapses around us, many of us build communities rather than barricades.¹
But that’s not the only pattern. When people feel threatened—whether by job loss, cultural change, or political power shifts—they can also behave like trapped animals. They snap at the hands trying to feed them or free them. This isn’t just metaphor. Neuroscience tells us that when we perceive danger, our amygdala (the threat detector) overrides the parts of our brain responsible for empathy, reason, and long-term thinking. We go into survival mode.²
That’s where we find ourselves now. I see this in the MAGA faithful. I see it in those who are drawn to fascist ideologies—even those who would be targeted by such regimes. It’s disheartening. And infuriating. And painful.
But it may also be fear.
That doesn’t excuse hate. It doesn’t mean we don’t set boundaries. But it may mean that kindness—real kindness, the kind that is rooted in strength, courage, and healthy boundaries—has more power than we think. That gentleness is not weakness. That compassion doesn’t mean avoiding the truth, but facing it with dignity.
We can be good even when others are not.
And sometimes, people surprise us. Even those who’ve lashed out in pain may, someday, reach back in peace. I’ve seen it happen. It may not be everyone. But it might be someone.
What about bullies?
Bullying isn’t always about cruelty for its own sake. Psychologists point out that many bullies act out of a need for control, fear of being powerless, or a belief that harshness is the only way to be safe.³ In the same way that political extremism can become a hard shell around fear or shame, bullying can be a survival tactic that outlasts the original threat. But people can grow beyond it. What helps? Real relationships. Accountability. New narratives about who they are and what strength looks like. I’ve seen it happen. People can soften. People can change.
So let’s practice kindness—not just for them, but for ourselves. Let’s find refuge in our own integrity. Let’s be the kind of neighbor we’d want to search for in the rubble.
Try It: Reflecting on Courageous Kindness
• Recall a time when you felt backed into a corner. What helped you not lash out—or helped you return to kindness later?
• Is there someone you’re tempted to write off as “irredeemable”? What do you imagine they’re afraid of? (This doesn’t mean excusing harm, nor putting yourself in harm's way—but it might offer insight.)
• Practice one act of proactive kindness today—especially one that’s a bit uncomfortable. Kindness is easy when you think someone deserves it. Real courage shows up when kindness is not returned.
You might find grounding in this practice:
https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2025/04/metta-meditation-holding-infant.html
I'd love to receive your responses to this. It is a challenge to balance kindness with boundaries, a passion for justice with compassion. What's working (or not working) for you?
Beloved,
You are whole, holy, and worthy,
Rev. Amy
See also these posts:
- Grounding practice of holding on to what sustains you: https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2025/03/holding-on-to-what-is-good.html
- Wisdom from Oppressed Peoples: https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2025/03/sacred-resistance-wisdom-from-oppressed.html
- What it means to offer Spiritual Companioning in politically stressful times: https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2025/03/supporting-souls-in-shadows-spiritual.html
- Supporting people who are in or trying to leave 'high-control' groups: https://abeltaine.blogspot.com/2025/04/cults-and-high-control-groups.html
Footnotes / References:
1. Drury, John et al. “The Psychology of Collective Resilience in Disaster and Crisis.” Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 2020. Available at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7221394
2. Morin, Amy. “What Happens in Your Brain When You’re Angry, According to Psychology.” VeryWell Mind. Available at: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-happens-in-your-brain-when-youre-angry-8753372
3. Raypole, Crystal. “Understanding the Psychology of Bullies.” Healthline. Available at: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/psychology-of-bullies
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