When is Self-Care not Self-Care?

For all the conversations we have about "self care" I see people consistently pushing themselves, giving to the point of depletion, and engaging in a culture of "busy". How are you taking care of yourself? What do you do for self care? These questions seem to show up a lot, especially among my community of Ministers and Spiritual Directors.

I'm not an exception.

In May I noticed that I was fielding over 100 emails a day, spending hours combing Facebook for a way to make sense of our political situation, cursing at traffic on my way to appointments and going to bed each night feeling like I'd gotten nothing important done. It got worse in June and by the end of July I was experiencing life as a giant game of "Whack-A-Mole." Crises, messes, anxiety, and "Very Important Things" kept popping up without any lead time to handle them in a calm and thorough manner. Guilt was a constant companion. I couldn't give quality attention to my family, my ministry, my volunteer work, my activism, my friends, my home or my self. When a trip to the ocean didn't help, I knew I had hit the wall.

I asked for help.

My doctor, my Spiritual Director, my spouse, and mentors all heard from me and helped me discern what is the most important thing. I practiced the spiritual practice of saying "no". I resigned from the two boards I was serving on.

I did not abandon the work that I must do. But I took a realistic look at the way things are in the NOW. Not how I wished they were, not how they were in the past, but how they actually are. I re-assessed where I could best do my work, given how things have changed over the years.

Often self-care is defined as "getting a massage" or "visiting the ocean" or "a nice dinner out". These are good and wonderful things, but when getting the massage means carving out time in your schedule and fighting traffic, or a visit to the ocean means driving around trying to find a live wifi spot, or a nice dinner out means worrying about how much money is in the bank, it is not self care! When self-care is another "mole" in the game of wack-a-mole it is a sign that something else needs to change.

So, it starts with asking for help. It continues with saying "no". But ultimately, the question is: "What is the most important thing?"

The Most Important Thing

Leo Tolstoy asks this question in three parts. A wonderful children's book based on Tolstoy's work illustrates them well. The book is titled "The Three Questions". The three questions are:
1. When is the best time to do things?
2. Who is the most important one?
3. What is the right thing to do?

The answers to these questions are:
1. Now.
2. The one you are with.
3. To do good for the one you are with.

Good questions. The first one asks you to understand what is true right now.
The second one asks: Who is my neighbor? Who am I accountable to?
The third one invites further questions: What is my work? It doesn't ask you to do someone else's work, but to learn what the good thing is that you, and possibly only you, can do.

So, I invite you, with me, to ask yourself: "Right now, what is the most important thing for me to do?"

Today

Today, when I woke up with this story ringing in my ears, the most important thing for me was to write this blog. Yesterday, I was invited to go to the museum with my 82-year-old dad who is visiting from out of country. Being with him was the most important thing.  A friend of mine told me the story of a day when she was getting many things done but had a persistent feeling that she wasn't doing something important. Finally, she stopped and asked herself what that important thing was. Turns out, she needed to sit and sip tea while looking at the majestic tree beside her porch. After spending time doing that, she was able to return to her day feeling calm and focused. Another friend described the day she realized that the most important thing was to build the relationship with some cousins who were struggling with removal of confederate statues. As she connected with these family members she was able to also invite them to see the importance of removing these symbols of White-Supremacy.

Tomorrow

When you are faced with a tiki-torch carrying, Nazi flag waving, hate-spewing person, the most important thing might be to show up, to speak up, to hold your ground. Or the most important thing might be to care for someone else who is being terrorized by this person. Or the most important thing might be to care for the person who showed up.

Only you know what the good thing is that you can do.