Wednesday, August 13, 2025

What Bessel van der Kolk Got Wrong: A Spiritual Companion’s Reflection on Trauma

The Score We Keep

Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score has become a sacred text in trauma discourse. It’s cited in therapy rooms, yoga studios, and spiritual circles alike. And yet, as spiritual companions, we must ask: what score are we keeping, and whose story does it serve?

This post is not a dismissal of van der Kolk’s contributions, but a gentle unearthing of what lies beneath the surface—what he missed, what he misrepresented, and how we, as spiritual companions, can hold trauma in ways that honor the soul’s journey toward wholeness.

I want to add a different term for "trauma". The term 'spiritual imbalance' has been used in some indigenous cultures to refer to the experience van der Kolk terms 'trauma'. I find it interesting to use that phrase as a way to expand how I think, and to remove the overused (and let's face it) buzzword: trauma. When we speak of spiritual imbalance rather than trauma, we shift from a clinical framework that often focuses on damage and pathology to one that suggests the possibility of restoration and realignment. This language invites us to consider not just what has been broken, but what sacred equilibrium might be recovered. It acknowledges that our deepest wounds often occur at the level of spirit and meaning, disrupting our connection to ourselves, our communities, and our sense of place in the larger web of existence. The word 'imbalance' itself carries hope—it suggests that what has been thrown off-kilter can, with proper tending, be brought back into harmony.

This reframing also honors the wisdom of cultures that understand healing as a restoration of spiritual wholeness rather than simply the absence of symptoms.

Neuroscience of PTSD. ScienceWorks Behavioural Healthcare. Kiesa Kelly

The Critique: What the Body Doesn’t Keep

Several scholars and clinicians have raised concerns about van der Kolk’s work:

Misrepresentation of Research
Psychiatrist Michael Scheeringa’s The Body Does Not Keep the Score (2024) reviews 122 claims from van der Kolk’s book and finds many to be unsupported or cherry-picked. Scheeringa argues that van der Kolk overlooks the diathesis-stress model, which suggests that brain differences in PTSD may predate trauma, not result from it.
Depoliticization of Spiritual Imbalance
Layla AlAmmar, a scholar of literary trauma theory, critiques van der Kolk for advancing an individualized view of spiritual imbalance that ignores systemic and political contexts. In her words: “This book is trash.” Her critique points to how marginalized victims are further erased in van der Kolk’s narrative.
Stigmatization and Victim-Blaming
The book opens with a story of a veteran who committed atrocities during war. Van der Kolk centers the veteran’s suffering without acknowledging the victims. This framing risks reinforcing hierarchies of spiritual imbalance and neglecting the sacred dignity of all beings harmed.

Archeological Dig. Designed by Wannapik

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie: A Reconsideration of Unearthing

Van der Kolk’s model assumes that trauma must be excavated, faced, and reprocessed. This is the foundation of many trauma therapies: exposure, EMDR, somatic experiencing. But what if healing doesn’t always require digging?

Some practitioners and scholars argue that focusing on health, resilience, and present-moment safety can be just as—if not more—effective than revisiting pain:

Existential and Philosophical Perspectives
Trauma theorist B. T. Reuther suggests that over-focusing on trauma can hinder a full understanding of human experience. Instead, integrating spiritual imbalance into a broader existential framework allows for healing through meaning-making and embodiment.
Pluralistic Counseling Psychology
Catherine Athanasiadou-Lewis critiques the dominance of trauma-focused cognitive behavioral models. She advocates for eclectic and psychodynamic approaches that honor the complexity of the psyche and allow for healing without direct confrontation.
Ethical Concerns
Anne Rothe’s critique of postmodern trauma theory warns against turning "trauma" into a sacred object that must be unearthed and venerated. She calls this “irresponsible nonsense,” arguing that such models can confuse victimhood, retraumatize listeners, and obscure ethical clarity.

DBT for Trauma. ScienceWorks Behavioral Healthcare. Kiesa Kelly

The Spiritual Lens: Spiritual Imbalance as Sacred Threshold

In spiritual companionship, spiritual imbalance is not pathology. What can it be if we apply a spiritual or wholeness lens?

Wholeness Over Wounding
Van der Kolk’s model often implies that spiritual imbalance leaves us permanently broken. But spiritual traditions teach that wounds are portals. As Rumi says, “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” We must move from scorekeeping to soul-tending.
Embodiment Without Fixation
While van der Kolk emphasizes body-based therapies, he sometimes treats the body as a battleground. In contrast, spiritual practice invites us to inhabit the body as a temple. We are not attempting to fix something broken. We show up to listen. Yoga, breathwork, and movement are not cures; they are conversations.
Relational Holding
Trauma healing is not a solo endeavor. Companions hold space. We do not diagnose. We witness. We do not ask, “What happened to you?” but “What is seeking to be born through this pain?”

For the Companion: How We Hold What Hurts

As spiritual companions, we are called to:

Resist reduction: Avoid reducing spiritual imbalance to neurobiology or symptomology. Honor its mystery, its mythic dimension.
Center the margins: Hold stories that dominant narratives erase. Listen for the voices beneath the score.
Practice presence: Healing is not accomplished through pure technique. It requires presence. It is the sacred act of sitting beside someone in their becoming.

Beyond the Score

Van der Kolk gave us language for trauma. But language is not the whole story. The soul speaks in symbols, silence, and sacred rupture. As companions, we travel with questions, not answers. We travel with awe.

The body may keep the score, but the spirit keeps the song.

Let the dogs lie. Let the soul rise.

Beloved, you are whole, holy and worthy,

Rev. Amy
Companioning soul-weary change-makers becoming rooted, aligned and alive again.

For Further Exploration

van der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score – A foundational text in trauma discourse, exploring how trauma reshapes the body and brain.
Scheeringa, Michael. The Body Does Not Keep the Score – A critical review of van der Kolk’s claims, challenging the scientific basis of trauma narratives.
Rothe, Anne. “Irresponsible Nonsense: An Epistemological and Ethical Critique of Postmodern Trauma Theory” – A sharp critique of trauma theory’s cultural elevation and ethical implications.
AlAmmar, Layla. “This Book is Trash” – A literary trauma scholar’s blunt critique of van der Kolk’s erasure of systemic and marginalized trauma.
Reuther, B. T. “Philosophical and Existential Perspectives on Trauma” – Offers a broader framework for understanding trauma through meaning-making and embodiment.
Athanasiadou-Lewis, Catherine. “A Critical Evaluation of the Conceptual Model and Empirical Evidence for PTSD Treatments” – Advocates for pluralistic approaches beyond trauma-focused CBT.

We Are the Help: A Modern Parable of Divine Action

We Are the Rescue: A Modern Parable of Divine Action

You know the story. The floodwaters are rising, and a faithful person sits on their roof, refusing rescue after rescue. "God will save me," they insist to the Jeep driver, the canoe paddlers, the helicopter pilot. When they arrive in heaven and ask why God didn't save them, the divine response comes: "I sent you a Jeep, a canoe, and a helicopter."

We tell this parable to remind ourselves to recognize divine action in human hands, to accept help when it's offered, to stop waiting for supernatural intervention when real, tangible rescue is right in front of us.

But recently, in conversation with someone wrestling with the weight of our current moment, this familiar story flipped on its head. What if we ask a different question: Who was driving that Jeep? Who was paddling that canoe? Who was piloting that helicopter?

We were.

Flood, New Hartford, IA June 9 2008, The U.S. National Archives

The Flood Is Upon the Rescuers Too

Here's what the traditional telling doesn't acknowledge: the people showing up to help aren't standing on dry ground. The Jeep driver is navigating rising waters. The canoe paddlers are in the flood themselves, choosing to use their vessel to reach someone else. The helicopter pilot is flying through the storm.

We are all in this flood together. And somehow, miraculously, divinely, we keep showing up for each other anyway.

This reframe transforms everything about how we understand our role in the world's current crises. We're not just called to accept help when the divine sends it through human hands—we're called to be those hands, even when we're struggling to keep our own heads above water.

Sacred Responsibility in Hard Times

When we flip the parable this way, it reveals something profound about divine action and human responsibility. If we are the hands and feet of the divine in this world, then our showing up for each other isn't just good citizenship or moral duty—it's sacred work.

The person driving through flood zones to check on neighbors isn't just being helpful; they're participating in divine rescue. The community organizer working to protect vulnerable populations isn't just doing politics; they're engaging in holy work. The minister crafting messages about love and commitment when everything feels overwhelming isn't just doing their job; they're serving as a conduit for divine possibility.

But here's the thing that makes this both beautiful and heartbreaking: we're doing this sacred work while we're also the ones who need rescuing.

The Joy and Weight of Being Divine Agents

This understanding carries both tremendous weight and unexpected lightness. The weight comes from recognizing that if we are the divine rescue that shows up for others, then the work really is up to us. We can't wait for someone else to fix what's broken. We are the someone else.

But the lightness—and this is crucial—comes from remembering that we don't have to do this work alone, and we don't have to do it without joy.

Maybe I don't have a jeep, but I have a song to sing while you paddle the canoe. Maybe I don't have a helicopter, but I have a friend who has a friend who lives near the airfield (and I'm not afraid to ask.)

Even in the flood, there can be connection. Even in crisis, there can be moments of beauty. Even when we're rescuing others, we can experience the profound satisfaction of being part of something larger than ourselves, of participating in divine action in the world.

Rescue Personnel respond to Hurricane Katrina, New Orleans, LA. Combined Military Service Digital Photographic Files

Recognizing the Sacred in Small Acts

If we're looking for the divine in human rescue efforts, we need to expand our definition of what rescue looks like. It's not just the dramatic helicopter moments. It's also:

The pure joy of pushing a four-year-old grandchild in a swing, creating a moment of delight that ripples beyond just the two of you
Witnessing the small miracle of strangers greeting each other warmly in an airport waiting area, choosing connection over isolation
The decision to do your specific work—developing learning materials for students, writing about love and commitment rather than contributing to despair factories—instead of getting pulled into internet debates or other energy drains
The practice of celebrating completion with something as simple as a joyful checkmark in the air, acknowledging your efforts whether the task was distasteful or routine
Offering a guest room in a safe place for people who need one for a while
The choice to show up authentically in small daily interactions

These small acts of showing up are divine rescue operations happening all around us, carried out by people who are themselves in need of rescue.

Sea Rescue, Wellington, NZ CC2.0

We Are Called to Be the Canoe

The traditional flood parable asks us to recognize divine help when it comes. But the flipped version calls us to something more demanding and more beautiful: to be the help that comes, to be the divine presence that shows up for others, to be willing to get in our canoe and paddle toward someone who's struggling, even though we're in the flood too.

This doesn't mean we have to be saviors or that everything depends on us. It means we're part of a vast network of divine action, a web of people showing up for each other in small and large ways, each of us both giving and receiving rescue.

In these times that feel so overwhelming, so impossible, this reframing offers both challenge and comfort. Yes, the work is ours to do. But no, we don't do it alone. We are simultaneously the drowning and the rescue, the lost and the found, the ones who need saving and the ones who show up to save.

The flood is upon us all. And we keep reaching for each other anyway. If that's not divine action, I don't know what is.

What rescue are you being called to offer today? What help are you being called to accept? Sometimes we are the Jeep, sometimes we are the person on the roof, and sometimes we are both at once.

Beloved,

You are whole, holy, and worthy

Rev. Amy Beltaine

(http://amybeltaine.info)

When the Path Diverges: Endings in Spiritual Direction

When the Path Diverges: Endings in Spiritual Tending

Endings are a natural part of all relationships, including spiritual direction work. Still, they can be emotionally and spiritually tender—especially when they happen suddenly or without acknowledgment. Whether a spiritual tendinf relationship spans three sessions or three years, how we conclude the journey matters.

Why Endings Matter

Spiritual care isn’t a haircut or a massage. While it might be fine to silently stop scheduling hair appointments, this "fade-away" approach is not ideal for deep, sacred relationships. (Perhaps we could have a conversation about disappearing on hairdressers as well?) A spiritual care relationship touches on a person’s heart, growth, and sacred story. It deserves a thoughtful farewell.

And yet, unexplained disappearances happen, even in spiritual tending.

People stop replying. They don’t schedule again. They disappear, perhaps without even meaning to. Life gets busy. Emotional discomfort arises. Some feel awkward naming a need to pause or move on. If this has happened to you as a companion, you're not alone. If you’ve no-showed/no-called a spiritual companion yourself, know that many of us have at some point, and it’s never too late to reach out with a thank-you or a simple goodbye.

The truth is, endings are often vulnerable. They ask us to acknowledge change. They require us to let go. But when handled with care, they can be as meaningful as any other part of the journey.

Setting Expectations Early

One of the best ways to support good endings is to talk about them at the beginning. I often let seekers know:

You are free to end at any time. This is your journey, and I honor your discernment.
When possible, let’s name an ending together. Even a brief email or single final session helps bring a sense of completeness.
I will not take your need to stop personally. Seasons change. Life shifts. People grow and need different support. That’s normal.

You might also name your own rhythm of checking in: “If I haven’t heard from you in three months, I’ll send a gentle note to see where things stand. No pressure—just presence.”

Different Ways to End

Not every ending looks the same. Here are a few possibilities:

A closing session. Sometimes a seeker knows it’s time to pause or move on and names this during a regular session. Together, you might spend that time harvesting the fruits of the journey.
An email or message. If a final session isn’t possible, a note of thanks and farewell can still offer closure.
A ritualized goodbye. Whether short or elaborate, ritual can honor the sacredness of the relationship and bless what’s next.
Time-limited agreements. Some spiritual care relationships are set up for a season—a 6-month program, a year-long container, or a sabbatical accompaniment. When that’s the case, you can build reflection and closure into the final session from the start.

None of these are required, but each offers an opportunity for mutual blessing.

An Intentional Ritual to Close the Circle

When seekers are open to it, I offer the following “Ritual of Looking Back, Looking Forward.” It’s designed for two people to do together via teleconference and helps mark the end of our time with meaning and grace.

Ritual of Looking Back, Looking Forward (for Two, via teleconference or in person)

To conclude a spiritual tending relationship.
Materials: One central candle, one candle for each person (companion and seeker), matches or lighter, and a fire-safe surface.

Before the appointment: Each person sets up their candle and fire-safe surface. Lights are dimmed to create a contemplative space.
Opening words:
Companion says:
“Welcome, [Seeker’s Name]. As our time together comes to a close, we gather virtually to acknowledge the journey we’ve shared and to bless the paths that lie ahead. This central candle, which I will light now, represents the time we’ve spent together…”
Lighting the central candle: The companion lights it and invites silent reflection:
“What moments stand out for you, [Seeker’s Name]? What have you learned? What gifts have you received from this connection?”
Lighting individual candles: Each person lights their own candle, sharing a word or phrase about what they carry forward.
“May our individual paths be illuminated with the wisdom and strength we have gained.”
Extinguishing the central candle: The companion gently puts it out, saying:
“This does not mean the light we shared is gone, but rather that it has been dispersed, carried within each of us…”
Closing blessing and silence.

This simple setting of intentions and naming of consent allows the sacred relationship to be honored—without clinging, and without minimizing its depth.

If You’ve Been "Ghosted"…

It’s okay to feel sadness or confusion. Try not to assume ill intent. You might send a brief note like:

“Dear [Name],
I’ve noticed we haven’t connected in a while. If this marks the end of our companioning relationship, I want to say thank you for the time we shared. If you'd like to meet for a brief closing session, I’d be honored. In any case, may your path continue to be rich and spirit-filled.”

Even without a reply, you’ve modeled spaciousness, kindness, and healthy boundaries.

If You Need to End as the Companion

Sometimes you may feel a need to conclude the relationship—due to scope of practice, time constraints, personal limits, or misalignment. These conversations can be awkward but are often received with gratitude when offered gently and clearly. You might say:

“I want to honor the journey we've shared. I'm noticing that what you're seeking may be better supported by someone with a different focus. I'd be glad to help you find the right next companion, if you wish.”

Ending with care is part of ethical spiritual companionship. We can model what it looks like to say goodbye with respect and presence.

Try It

If you're a seeker, consider how you want to bring closure when you sense a companioning relationship is complete. What would help you mark the transition?
If you're a companion, create a few templates or rituals you can offer. Include a note about endings in your welcome packet.
Reflect on past goodbyes in your own life. What made them feel meaningful—or not?

Every path has its thresholds. Every threshold offers a choice: to move back, or to move through with awareness.

Beloved, you are whole, holy, and worthy. May your endings be as sacred as your beginnings.

With warmth,
Amy

For Further Exploration

• Finley, James. The Healing Path – Offers profound reflections on spiritual journeying, including what it means to release and let go.
https://jamesfinley.org/the-healing-path

• Spiritual Directors International – Offers guidelines and reflections on ethical companionship, including the importance of mutuality and closure.
https://www.sdicompanions.org

• Piver, Susan. The Four Noble Truths of Love – Though about relationships, this book offers tools for navigating the discomfort of endings with honesty and heart.
https://susanpiver.com/books

Wednesday, June 11, 2025

Showing up Safely: Practical Protest Info

Protest Safety & Strategy: Best Practices for Showing Up Wisely

Hey friends —

If you’re planning to attend the No Kings protests (or any other public action), take a deep breath and read this carefully. Protesting is a sacred form of community expression and resistance. It can also be risky — especially now. The suggestions below come from seasoned organizers, legal advocates like the ACLU, and radical communities like Reclaiming who have long practiced grounded, protective action in volatile settings.

Please adjust based on your local conditions, risk tolerance, and role. Some of us show up as marshals, medics, legal observers, clergy, or quiet anchors. All roles matter.

🖤 Before You Go
Tell a trusted person where you’re going, when to expect you back, and what to do if they don’t hear from you. Consider designating them as your emergency contact.
Write emergency numbers on your body in sharpie (e.g. National Lawyers Guild legal support line, local jail support, trusted friend).
Charge all devices fully the night before if you’re bringing any — and seriously consider not bringing your usual phone.
Consider a burner phone (cheap prepaid, with no identifying accounts or contacts). Use it only for critical communication or documentation — with no traceable apps, biometrics, or history.
Download key tools in advance:
ACLU’s Mobile Justice app or Signal (end-to-end encrypted).
Offline maps.
PDFs or screenshots of your rights.
🧤 What to Wear and Bring
Wear plain, nondescript clothing (dark colors like black or grey) to reduce the chance of being individually identified later through video or photos.
Avoid logos, unique accessories, or visible tattoos. If needed, cover distinguishing features.
Good shoes (running or hiking shoes) that allow you to move quickly and comfortably.
Mask up — for health, anonymity, and protection from tear gas. Use an N95 or similar with goggles or wraparound glasses.
Bring eye protection (swim goggles or safety glasses) and a bandana soaked in vinegar or water in a sealed bag to cover your mouth/nose if tear gas is used. Do NOT wear contact lenses.
Do not bring children to potentially escalated actions. If you do bring them to peaceful day rallies, have a backup adult, exit strategy, and regroup plan.
Pack light and smart:
Water (plus snacks or electrolyte tabs)
Small first aid kit
A bandana or scarf
ID only if necessary (many advise leaving it behind unless you’re undocumented or at high risk)
Cash (not cards) if possible
A printout of your rights and legal support info
🚨 On the Ground: Staying Safe
Stay with a buddy or affinity group — never walk alone.
Keep calm, move with intention, and avoid reactive behaviors. Escalation is often initiated by provocateurs.
Do not pick up or use objects that appear placed for destruction or disruption. These are often “plants” to justify police action.
Follow trained marshals, de-escalators, or protest chaplains. Look for vests, hats, or armbands indicating role.
Watch for provocateurs: people trying to incite violence, or escalate confrontations. Don’t engage. Move away. Signal marshals or peacekeepers.
Keep your phone off or on airplane mode unless urgently needed.
If filming police, know your rights: You can record public officials, but don’t interfere. Say “I do not consent to a search” if asked to unlock your phone.
📵 Phone & Data Safety
Turn off biometric unlocks (face/fingerprint). Use a passcode only.
Disable facial recognition & geolocation.
Delete personal, identifying data from any phone you bring (contacts, photos, social media apps).
Don’t text about protest plans. Use encrypted messaging apps like Signal or avoid digital communication altogether when organizing.
💚 Sustaining the Work
Make room for care and grounding — this is a long-haul movement, not a single moment.
Practice debriefing with trusted companions after actions. Check in emotionally and spiritually.
Be kind to yourself. You don’t have to do everything. Show up in the ways you are called and resourced.
Donate to bail funds, medics, and legal defense funds even if you can’t march.
🧠 Know Your Rights
You have the right to peacefully protest in public spaces.
You do not have to answer police questions beyond identifying yourself if required by local law.
You can record police, but they may try to intimidate you not to. Be discreet and firm.
You have the right to remain silent and to an attorney. Ask for one immediately if detained.

ACLU resources by state: https://www.aclu.org/know-your-rights

Let’s show up in love and strategy — not fear.

Let’s protect each other.

Let’s build the world we long for.

Please share other tips here, particularly from groups with experience and knowledge. I’ll add them!

Thursday, June 05, 2025

Praxis and Embodied Experience: Learning by Living in Spiritual Tending

Living What We Learn in Spiritual Tending

Spiritual direction is not just something we think about—it’s something we live with our bodies, breath, and being. Both Ignatian spirituality and many Pagan traditions share this: a conviction that experience is sacred text.

Praxis refers to the integration of theory and experience. The Collins Dictionary defines it as “practice, as distinguished from theory; application or use, as of knowledge or skills.” In religious and educational settings, it means that we learn not just by thinking or reading, but by doing—by living—and then reflecting on that lived experience.

Praxis is a feedback loop: we live, reflect, adapt, and then live again with deeper wisdom. Spiritual companions don’t just talk about sacred presence—they practice it, noticing how it moves through their lives and those they accompany. Praxis is how spiritual companions grow.

In spiritual direction, this looks like noticing what arises in a session, praying or journaling about it, shifting how we hold space, and returning again—more aware, more grounded.

Ralph Waldo Emerson put it this way:

“The true preacher can be known by this, that he deals out to the people his life,—life passed through the fire of thought.”

I’d substitute “minister” for “preacher” here.

Note on language: I use the word minister here to mean someone called to sacred service or care. Spiritual Companioning is a ministry—whether or not one is ordained. If another word fits better in your tradition, use that!

CC0

Embodied Prayer: Moving from Performance to Presence

Our bodies are not incidental to our spiritual lives. They are the ground of spiritual life. Body prayer—whether through breath, movement, stillness, or dance—is one way to engage the Sacred through lived experience, rather than performance.

This might be as simple as bowing with gratitude each morning, walking slowly in silence, or using breath to center before a session.

Betsy Beckman, in Awakening the Creative Spirit: Bringing the Arts to Spiritual Direction, writes:

“Whether we like it or not, we all have bodies. Our bodies carry emotions, memories, wounds, joys, and celebrations…

Nevertheless, as spiritual directors, we might ask the question, ‘Why do we dance?’

…To dance is to open ourselves to a deep wisdom that is beyond us, holding us, binding us together in intricate, energetic beauty.”

In this, Betsy echoes ancient traditions and modern somatic theology. The dance of life is not a metaphor—it’s a practice. A praxis.

Performance isn’t necessarily “bad”; in fact, sometimes we do need to “fake it 'til we make it” in many parts of our lives, and there are contexts where it is absolutely called for. However, the intention in SD work is presence.

The Korean dance troupe from Keimyung University perform the Drum Dance

Mysticism and Embodied Experience

So often, when thinking of mystical experience, people think of the solitary practitioner experiencing solitary one-ness with the divine. Mystical experience can be deeply individual, but it’s just as often communal, embodied, and even ecstatic. In Dancing in the Streets: A History of Collective Joy, Barbara Ehrenreich invites us to remember the power of communitas:

“The self-loss that participants sought in ecstatic ritual was not through physical merger with another person but through a kind of spiritual merger with the group.”

“To dance is to say yes to the sensual nature of life, infused with the movement of the ever-creative Spirit.”

This form of mysticism is rooted in movement, music, ritual, and shared presence—not in escaping the body or intellect, but inhabiting both more deeply.

Mysticism, in this sense, isn’t only a mountaintop moment—it’s dancing with others at ritual, singing in circle, weeping with a seeker. It’s sacred communitas. For spiritual companions, this collective joy is not a distraction from the sacred—it is one of its forms.

For spiritual companions, mysticism isn’t just an experience to admire in others—it’s a praxis we’re invited into ourselves.

Try It:

Reflect on a time when you “learned by doing” in your spiritual life. What did that teach you about God/Sacred/Spirit/self?
Try a simple body prayer: Stand or sit. Breathe deeply. Let your hands rise as you inhale and lower as you exhale. What arises as you move? What shifts in your awareness?
Recall a time when you were part of a ritual, service, or gathering that felt mystical or alive with spirit. What was happening in your body? What connected you to the others?
Consider a body prayer that includes some Robin Wall-Kimmerer readings/quotes (she write rhapsodically about sacred strawberries) and then eating a strawberry.
Or attend a Tea Ceremony.

Consider: Where might your own practice of spiritual direction need more embodiment, more experience, or more reflection?

As always, this work begins with the body, with presence, and with the courage to let experience teach us. Praxis isn’t something we arrive at—it’s something we live, moment by moment, in sacred relationship.

Beloved, you are whole, holy, and worthy.

Rev. Amy

Holding the Hour: Structuring a Session in Spiritual Tending

What actually happens during a session of spiritual direction or companionship? The honest answer is: it depends.

There are rich traditions—especially within Catholic and Ignatian models—that offer formal structures for direction sessions. But those models are not the only way. And while some explorers may arrive ready to talk for an hour, others need silence, art, a focused question, or a shared listening for the Sacred.

This post offers flexible ways to structure a session—not to script it, but to hold it. Think of these as tools in a basket or items on a menu: not every session will use them all, and not every seeker will need the same shape each time. The goal is not to be helpful, but to be present. The structure is not about performance—it’s about hospitality.

CC0

Begin with Hospitality and Consent

Every session begins with welcome—through a warm space, gentle tone, or clear boundaries. But beyond the outer welcome, there is a deeper one: an invitation into shared discernment.

Questions like:

“Would it serve you to begin with silence today, or to talk a bit?”

“Is there anything you’re hoping for in our time together?”
“Would you like to begin with a grounding practice or go straight into reflection?”

This is where consent-based practice lives—not only in logistics (like touch, time, and confidentiality), but in relational flow. Your presence invites—not insists.

Possible Structures for a Session (Pick One or Combine)

Think of each of these as a possible rhythm for a 50-, 60-, or 90-minute session. Each has its own gifts. You might find one becomes your “home base”—but it’s always possible to adapt or blend.

Agenda by Nick Youngson CC BY-SA 3.0

1. The Open Conversation Structure

Begin with silence or grounding

Ask an open-ended check-in: “What’s alive for you spiritually right now?”
Follow the seeker’s lead—listen deeply, reflect back, ask evocative questions
End with silence, a blessing, or an invitation to continue reflection

Best for: Seekers who process through dialogue and reflection

Watch for: Temptation to “solve” or over-interpret

2. The Practice-Based Structure

Begin with consent around a focus: e.g., lectio divina, journaling, guided imagery

Move into the practice, with the seeker choosing pace and depth
Allow time for shared reflection
End with integration or stillness

Best for: Seekers who want experiential exploration

Watch for: Pushing through discomfort rather than pausing for consent

3. The Silence-Honoring Structure

Begin with a simple prompt or shared intention

Hold shared silence (10–45+ minutes)
Invite optional reflection or journaling
End with spacious check-out: “What would you like to take with you from this time?”

Best for: Seekers familiar with contemplation, or seeking rest and mystery

Watch for: Companion imposter syndrome—remember, you’re not being paid to do, but to be with

4. The Three Movements Structure

(adapted from many traditions)

Remembering: “Where has the Sacred met you since we last spoke?”
Receiving: Listen to what’s emerging now
Responding: “What is yours to carry forward?”

Best for: Seekers who like rhythm and continuity

Watch for: Treating the structure as a checklist instead of a flow

5. The Discernment Structure

Begin with prayer or grounding

Explore a question the seeker is holding (big or small)
Use discernment tools (e.g., body awareness, values clarification, spiritual autobiography)
End with integration: “What feels clear—or unclear—for now?”

Best for: Seekers in transition or facing choices

Watch for: Rushing toward clarity or feeling responsible for “answers”

What About Imposter Syndrome?

Many new companions wrestle with this question: Why would someone pay me to sit in silence with them?

Here’s the truth: your presence is the container. Your attunement, your trust in the Sacred, your willingness to wait—these are gifts that many seekers don’t have in their daily lives. Spiritual companionship is not therapy. It’s not coaching. It’s not fixing. It is deep, non-intrusive, sacred witnessing.

When you co-hold space for journaling, silence, or art, you’re affirming that their direct experience of the Sacred matters more than your advice. That’s profound.

Choosing Your Default—and Letting It Shift

You may find yourself drawn to one of these rhythms as your “default.” That’s good. Let it be your home—but don’t confuse it with the only path.

Discern session by session:

What would most serve the seeker’s relationship with their sacred?
Is a shift needed today—more structure, or less? More silence, or more interaction?

Let your care be shaped not by how to help, but by how to honor.

Try It

Create your own session menu. Name 2–3 session shapes you’re drawn to.

Which feels most like “home”?
Which feels risky but potentially fruitful?
Which one might serve a very different kind of seeker?

Keep this menu nearby when preparing for a session, especially with a new explorer. You’re not planning their experience—you’re preparing your capacity to meet them.

Beloved, you are whole, holy, and worthy,

Rev. Amy

Wednesday, August 13, 2025

What Bessel van der Kolk Got Wrong: A Spiritual Companion’s Reflection on Trauma

The Score We Keep

The Critique: What the Body Doesn’t Keep

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie: A Reconsideration of Unearthing

The Spiritual Lens: Spiritual Imbalance as Sacred Threshold

For the Companion: How We Hold What Hurts

Beyond the Score

For Further Exploration

See Also on This Blog

We Are the Help: A Modern Parable of Divine Action

We Are the Rescue: A Modern Parable of Divine Action

The Flood Is Upon the Rescuers Too

Sacred Responsibility in Hard Times

The Joy and Weight of Being Divine Agents

Recognizing the Sacred in Small Acts

We Are Called to Be the Canoe

Tuesday, July 22, 2025

When the Path Diverges: Endings in Spiritual Direction

When the Path Diverges: Endings in Spiritual Tending

Why Endings Matter

Setting Expectations Early

Different Ways to End

An Intentional Ritual to Close the Circle

Ritual of Looking Back, Looking Forward (for Two, via teleconference or in person)

If You’ve Been "Ghosted"…

If You Need to End as the Companion

Try It

For Further Exploration

See also these posts

Wednesday, June 11, 2025

Showing up Safely: Practical Protest Info

Thursday, June 05, 2025

Praxis and Embodied Experience: Learning by Living in Spiritual Tending

Living What We Learn in Spiritual Tending

Embodied Prayer: Moving from Performance to Presence

Mysticism and Embodied Experience

Try It:

Tuesday, June 03, 2025

Holding the Hour: Structuring a Session in Spiritual Tending