Your Gift: Imposter Syndrom and Spiritual Tending

Am I Doing the Right Thing?

Lately, I’ve been having hard conversations with myself, with others doing soul work, with fellow spiritual companions and creatives. The same questions keep arising: Does this work matter? Is it enough? Am I enough?

I question my calling. I struggle with the demons of self-doubt, fear, imposter-syndrome, and distraction. On the bad days, I have unhelpful thoughts, like "you did more good when you were an activist," or "You affected more people, created more good, even when you worked in higher education."

Why can't I be peaceful like a tree? Trees offer their fruit, not because they are bullied into it, not because they are paid or expected to produce. They offer their fruit because they have been nourished and protected.

The Struggle

Here we are, caught in a capitalist culture that insists the rich are rewarded by God and that a person’s value is tied to what they earn. But our compassionate hearts yearn for meaningful work, deep connection, and lives rooted in truth.

We struggle with the myth that Spiritual work should be unpaid, and an unpaid profession isn't a "real" profession. Money has never been a valid measure of value. The worth of your work cannot be tallied in invoices any more than your own worth can be measured in bank statements.
 

I also wrestle with feeling responsible for doing something about the political, human rights, and survival crisis that is present all around me.  When the world is burning, spiritual and inner work can feel self-indulgent, like lighting a candle in a wildfire. I feel urgency to get out there and put out the fire, to tend the burned, to warn people, and to recruit people for the bucket brigade... 

The Humbling Thread

Perhaps you take a leap, to a new profession, to a training program, to a new kind of embracing of your call. Following a call will humble you.
What once felt natural—your storytelling, your listening, your healing touch—now feels awkward under the weight of training. You question your instincts. You wonder: Was it ever really a gift? Am I faking it? Was I just lucky before?

This is the terrain of imposter syndrome, and it shows up precisely when you take your gift seriously enough to deepen it. When we stop winging it and choose to learn, to apprentice, to unlearn, we often lose access to our old confidence. That’s not failure—it’s faith.

Faith that your gift is worth growing.
Faith that your offering can ripen.
Faith that your call can withstand being questioned.

If you're in that vulnerable place where everything feels unsure—where the thread that once led you forward now tangles around your feet—you're not doing it wrong. You're becoming an artist of your calling. And every artist begins again.

So question the thread. Let it lead you where your ego might not go. Your calling can take it. And so can you.

We Need ALL our Gifts

And yet. I can’t do all the things. I can't carry ALL the buckets of water. Maybe it is okay that my role is to feed the souls of the people on the bucket brigade. 

• Your poetry can be (and already is) nourishment for the laborer in the work for justice. 
• Your testimony is transformative for the reluctant. 
• Your hospice work is making a difference in one life, one family, one community at a time. 
• Your teaching is transforming young people into leaders of tomorrow. 
• Your book is going to have ripple effects.

What you do is your gift—and someone, somewhere, is waiting for it. 

Kumquat by Ninjiangstar CC3.0

Living Like a Tree

I think of people as trees: we draw sustenance through our roots and offer fruit through our branches. But fruit doesn’t come every season. And producing that fruit—your kumquats—isn’t effortless. It takes light, nourishment, trust, and time. Still, your gift may be someone else’s only nourishment.

I know this because I’ve tasted it. Your poem gave me breath. Your words helped me return to myself. Your witness reminded me I’m not alone. 

So if you're wondering whether your gifts matter, they do.

If you’re afraid they’re not enough, they are.

If you feel like you’re not producing fast enough, maybe it’s a season of root-growing.

Feed your roots. Trust your fruit.

Someone out there needs your kumquat.

Beloved, you are whole, holy, and worthy,

Rev. Amy

Losing the battle, Reflections on Monday's Holiday

Fighting the Capitalist, Colonialist, Racist, Hetero-patriarchy

Starting in 1550, the Mapuche of South America began their fight against a colonizing, hetero-partiarchal, capitalist invader. We in North America, and other countries around the world, are resisting fascism that is home-grown, right now. The process of placing a right wing puppet onto the supreme court of the USA can be seen as yet another move toward fascism by the right wing, and a kind of disfigurement, or maiming of our democracy.

"Contemplation of Justice" by James Earle Fraser, US Supreme Court, Washington, DC, USA (Public Domain)

On Monday, the calendar tells me, my country should be celebrating a man who furthered empire. He was instrumental in the genocide of the Taino and the Arawak of modern day Puerto Rico. He brought Spanish attention to the Americas which eventually led to the colonization and destruction of the empires and nations from Louisiana through Argentina and Chile... And English and French attention to the Americas which brought destruction to the empires and nations of North America.

I'm Not Dead Yet!

Not all nations were defeated easily, and not all nations were ever truly defeated. For instance, the Mapuche of Chile/Argentina. One warrior, early in the conflict with the conquistadors, is famous for his bad-assery. Galvarino, as he is known in story and history, was captured in one of the early battles. The Spanish, with horses, guns, armor and crossbows, had the advantage over the Mapuche with their strong bodies, courage and spears. The captured Mapuche were "sentenced" to have their noses and one hand cut off. Galvarino ended up with both his hands cut off. Then the Mapuche were sent back to show their people what danger they were in.

Mapuche Warrior: Glavarino, illustration from "La Araucana" (Public Domain)

Galvarino remained defiant and was put in charge of a force of warriors to carry the battle back to the Spanish. In a particularly bad-ass move, he strapped knives to his stumps so that he could still fight. His force lost that battle in 1557, but the Mapuche remained independent (not without additional conflicts when they had to defend their territory and independence) until 1883. They continue to fight for the protection of their forests and rights for their people.

Finding a Reason to Keep On

My friend and colleague Theresa pointed me to the story of Galvarino when we were discussing how to find hope in the face of political and social shifts toward fascism. How to keep building the world of compassion, dignity, and justice that we dream of despite the confirmation of an opponent to that dream to the US Supreme Court.

The "arc of justice" quote on the southern granite wall of the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial in Washington, D.C. Photo by Tim Evanson (CC 2.0)

The story of Galvarino tells me that you can still fight even when it feels like your hands have been removed. The story of Galvarino reminds me that even when you are losing, sometimes you are providing the inspiration for others to continue the fight. The story of Galvarino reminds me that though I'm afraid for myself and my loved ones, we are not in the extreme circumstances others have faced. They faced oppression, destruction, and pain with strength, solidarity, and courage.

Finding Your Own Inspiration

Last week I wrote about calling on the power of the Furies to fuel our work. This week I'm calling on the spirit of the ancestors who fought and the ancestors who lost. Galvarino is not my direct ancestor and may not be yours, but his story is still a reminder that the fight for the worth and dignity of the oppressed is worth giving your money, time, energy, and love.

Juraj Jánošík, A Slovak "Robin Hood"

Who are YOUR ancestors who fought? Who will be the ancestors our descendants look up to in the coming years? Will you make the list of Honored Ancestor? Will you be on the list of those who worked to make the world a better place for our great-grandchildren?

Indigenous People's Day

A Poem by Rev. Jeremy Rutledge

I am not
Hawai'ian
but I was
born in
the islands.

I am not
Kiowa
but I was
raised on
the plains.

I am not
Sewee
but I am
living near
the salt marsh.

And I am not
an admirer
of Columbus
that lucky
sailor.

He found
what had
not been lost
and named
what was
already known
which doesn’t
seem a feat
if you ask me.

But don’t
ask me
ask any
Sewee
Kiowa
or Hawai'ian
this Indigenous
Peoples’ Day
how it feels
to be from
a place
that pauses
once a year
to remember
and commences
every other day
to forget.
x

Let us persist

We are mad. We are full of rage for the insult to women and democracy. Let us use that rage as FUEL for our actions. Let us get out the vote, hold our politicians accountable, change things at the local level, prepare for the worst, and persist, persist, persist!

 

Dr. E. Faye Williams, National President/CEO of the National Congress of Black Women, speaking outside Mitch McConnell's house on Capitol Hill,  Photo by Lorie Shaull (CC 2.0)