Trans-Parents

I'm married to a great guy, his son calls him "Mommy"

My spouse is completing transition. He was assigned female at birth but he's always known he was a guy. There's a period of "coming out" and a period of moving along a continuum from being perceived as a masculine woman toward being perceived as a feminine man that requires new safety management techniques.

(Before you ask, I knew before we got married, and I am still, six years later, absolutely sure that I'm the luckiest woman alive to have this person as MY person.)

Transition: a Journey, not a Sprint

Credit Creative Commons

We live in Portland Oregon. That means that there are some gender neutral bathrooms available, and it feels safer than some other towns. That hasn't changed the fact that going to the movies can be stressful - for a while I'd go into the women's restroom with him so that other women would feel more comfortable. Then there was the period where neither restroom would do and we would sprint home after a long movie, or skip the soda! Now he feels comfortable using a men's restroom in most places in Portland, though I worry...

Now a whole new challenge has shown up. When we go out to eat, we use my credit card because his still has his old name on it. When we forget, and he pays, the waitperson gets all weird when they see the old name on the card and realize they must have been "wrong" about his gender the whole time they served us. Worse, at the doctor's office, when the nurse comes out and calls the old name my husband has to decide if he will answer, thereby outing himself to all the people in the waiting room. Is that safe?

We are working on the name change, but it is tricky. You don't want to change legal name while you are in the middle of selling property, for instance. We do want to get renewed passports and we want to travel. Now that's another area of concern. Traveling... Where can we travel safely. What do we need to think about for safety when walking down the street in Phoenix Arizona? What if there is a medical emergency, will the emergency room doctors respond with care or confusion? Or most terrifying, with a refusal to treat him!

Family Transitions R Us

Our son has special dispensation to call my husband "mommy" since he's been using that name for 30 years. But will that work when we are visiting our grandchild in Arizona, sitting in a restaurant? And what will our seven-year-old grandson call us? He was a perceptive 4 year old who had a really hard time applying "grandma" to my husband, because my husband didn't seem like a grandma to him. That astute little boy settled on "Daddy's Mommy" at the time. (I've always been an easy "Grandma.") We have been trying "Granpama" but last month "Grandpa" began to win...

My own experience with his transition is worth a separate blog post... I've always had an ambiguous relationship with the way I can pass as a femme woman, and my friends who are butch risk so much more just living in the world. It is bizarre how my safety from homophobia swings from high alert when I'm with certain friends to complete unconcern when I'm "passing" as straight. Now that sense of "having it easy" in comparison to people of color, gender non-conforming folks, etc. is intensified when I realize people respond to my family as a straight family. I now have a husband, and I'm allowed into certain spaces in a way I wasn't before.

photo via flickr under the Creative Commons License

All of this Could be Easier

Our lives are really pretty awesome. And we are lucky to live in Portland, and at this time in history... And, it could be so much easier if allies and professionals were just a little more aware and attentive. And of course, I pray for those who are made uncomfortable to pay more attention to their own moral behavior and their own opportunities to learn and grow. I pray for them to spend less energy on judging and meting out judgement on others.

Meanwhile, my guy and I are living our lives, still in love, taking care of the dogs and cat, laughing together, learning together, and having adventures.


Here's a fabulous resource for Allies!

And here's my guy's blog.

Wrestling with Ableist Language

Not Done Yet!

Graphic from UU Congregation of York

Whoops. I just realized that my business name uses ableist language. Aurgh. I just heard someone talking about using "walking together" as a sermon title. Dang. I heard from my dear friend that, yet again, our organization picked a theme that included "standing" in the title.

Did not the UU movement just embrace a commitment to undoing ableist language? But that one vote this last Summer didn't finish the project. We have years of tried and true metaphors to catch, examine, and release. We have language passed down to use from our heritage. We have habits and we have internal resistance to overcome. 

Please tell me that you are finding ways to sing, work for justice, explore, move and develop spiritually without restricting that to people who can “stand” on the side of love or “walk” a spiritual path. (The UU justice organization made the change from "Standing on the Side of Love" to "Side with Love". Jason Shelton, the author of one of our favorite hymns made the change from "Standing on the Side of Love" to "Answering the Call of Love"... we can all be inclusive too!)

Walking and Rolling on Our Own Paths

And of course... each person can and should use whatever metaphors they want in personal conversation. I’m talking about hymns in worship, the names of organizations, slogans, newsletter titles, etc. places where one is representing more than just yourself... Where a higher standard applies. (As far as individuals, your approach and choices may vary based on context-it is cool to pay attention to the words you use, but I’m not here to shame you for your choices. We all have days when it is all we can do to use words at all, much less examine them for inclusivity. The less marginalized your identity, however, the more important it is to consider the experience of he marginalized folks.)

Let me be clear here. I did not say (and would never say) you should purge such language from your vocabulary. But good grief. A major slogan that represents our justice aspect of our movement? A significant hymn? The name of a congregation? The go-to metaphor for rituals? The title of your newsletter or CUUPS group? Heck no! That’s a completely different thing from using a variety of metaphors in daily speech. We don’t need to “police” personal conversation. We DO need to be mindful of using ableist language in official and high profile contexts.

And... I find the experience of searching for new metaphors and different language to be freeing and exciting and fruitful. I personally am happy to monitor my language for body-based metaphor and make thoughtful choices. YMMV.

Updating Beloved Prayers and Songs and...

Photo from 2017 UU General Assembly

I have a prayer that has been incredibly important to me that I still want to use only referred to daughters. So I changed it to sons and daughters. Then I became aware of how that excludes gender non-confirming folks. So now I don’t use it in worship... waiting to see what might unfold there. Mary Kroener-Ekstrand, who is a DRE, mentions that "Our UU youth often use the phrase "siblings in spirit" in one song in place of sisters and brothers..." I love how our youth lead us in many of the invitations for more compassion! (See the prayer below. And your suggestions are welcome!)

I’ve been sharing a worship service called “living like a tree” based on Betsy Rose’s song “Standing like a Tree” so I talk about using that as a mantra and invite the congregations to use “living” instead of standing... and to feel how that works as a mantra...

And I’m owning the fact that I didn’t realize that my own business name was ableist until I began writing this (I've been using "Listen to Heart Song" for four years now. It is time for me to find a better, more resonant, and more inclusive business name. I welcome your suggestions!) I’m by no means perfect. But I have found that engaging these questions makes me a better person.

Diversity in our Diversity

My friend from college, Shulamit Levine-Helleman, points out that different communities (and individuals) may have different preferences. Shulamit says, "being autistic is part of who I am, not something I have, so I say I am autistic. My physical difficulties, on the other hand, are not an intrinsic part of my identity, and what is disabling is not my physical condition but the barriers placed by society, so I say I have a disability. We should respect the preferences of the individual, not impose person first language in all cases." We humans really want to be right. But which way is RIGHT? Well, that depends!

ADA

I was taught to use "differently-abled" for anyone with a disability. That was the RIGHT WAY. (You know you are about to get into trouble whenever you think you know the one "right way.") And then folks told me that they get to choose what they want to be called, and "differently-abled" isn't it! Part of this work is dealing with the messiness and evolving language. I’m still growing into using “they/them” language and “queer” since I came of age back in the days of “wimmin” and “lesbian” Lol. Alex Kapitan, Radical CopyEditor, has this fabulous comic about exactly this: https://radicalcopyeditor.com/.../person-centered-language/

Rev Maureen Killoran points out that [her grandkids] "exclusion is not from the language of "listening/hearing" but from the exclusive assumptions that shape our hearing world." and Rev Michael Tino points out, "metaphors often shape those assumptions, so we need to use them carefully."

Kristin Bakalar

Attending to Language as Transformative Prayer

Usually it is easy to switch to more inclusive language. And I love the thrill it gives me when I feel that sense of expansiveness...when I pause to notice the way I use language about bodies it invites me to be inclusive of the actual humans before me. It is a type of praying...

As a my Facebook friend Susan Christie says, "I've had similar challenges (and a sense of expansiveness) in trying to reduce images of war, violence, and fighting in my language. It's very hard!" And Rev. Tandi Rogers comments "I also get a rush when we inch toward including ourselves and other people we love."

When you pause to consider that not everyone stands to sing because you pause to say "Please rise in body and/or in spirit to join in singing...", then you are opening your awareness to those individuals who cannot or do not stand for singing. You might change the way the chairs are set up so that seated individuals can see the lyrics. Pausing to attend to the potential needs of these individuals in your words is an opening to attending to the potential needs of these individuals in your actions. 

From Words to Action

Yvonne Aburrow

Does your ritual have a way for hearing impaired folks to hear you? Does your worship circle have an opening for people who use scooters or wheelchairs? Have you checked in with your neurodivergent folks to find out if the singing bowl will be painful to them? Is there a scent-free area? Slowing down long enough to rewrite your prayer or song or speaking part can be a powerful way to turn thought into awareness and awareness into action. And ultimately, inclusive action is how we remove the disabling barriers and create the beloved community.

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The prayer I used to sing (and used to invite others to sing with me) is by Susan Arrow

Thank you mother earth

Thank you sister water

Thank you for my birth

Thank you from your daughter (which I changed to Thanks from you sons and daughters, could be "Thanks where 'ere we wander")

Thank you brother sun

Thank you air in motion

Thank you everyone

Earth air fire and ocean.

This prayer is very dependent on the Gender Binary. So I have left it behind. I would love an alternate prayer or a rewrite. (Can anyone find Susan Arrow?)

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My business name has been "Listen to Heart Song". That is able-ist in that it relies on "listen" as a primary way of being in the world. For now, I'm changing it to "Reverend Amy, Spiritual Direction." If you'd like to play with a new name with me, join my facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/revamyspiritualdirection/